This post is for the contest at the Chennai bloggers club for the theme “I struggled, but I overcame” as most of you would have read my PTSD post, I didn’t want to get deep with such cry-baby-cry post again. So, this post is about an art that I mastered of late “Letting GO” oh yeah!
Nevertheless, I was a – yes, you read it right, “WAS” an old-school-type that gets attached, instantly with the other and give a damn about every little thing related to the other person. Of late, when I wanted to make new friends – I joined a group of 12 others who claimed to be foodies that together try different restaurants in Chennai and go Dutch with the bill. As I saw various cultures and different mindsets when I lived abroad where even the question “had lunch?” is considered personal and intervening in their personal space, I pretty much know as a person who belongs to Chennai – one would not just stop being a foodie friend who shares the bill. It stretched to family visits, going out together for movies, celebrating birthdays, celebrating wedding anniversaries, and most of all calling each other “Brother” or “Sister” to strengthen the bond of relationship that exists.
Soon, like in a few months – The group went bonkers and had to totally block each other and move on with life.
This was difficult as I had a best friend, a younger brother that I earned, my love interest, and a best buddy who brings out the best in me type in the group. Trust was broken and whatever, the next step was to heal myself from all four-at-once hit. Unlike family, no-one bothers to maintain your secrets, none would be really interested in your growth, you turn their gossip material when they meet each other without you. To learn all this was a sheer pain! But, yes! The relationship or whatever was not worth keeping, or saving. I had to make a better decision to let go of the pain, to let go of the memories, It was the worst challenge for me. To drop down the baggages and make space for new and great things in life. To keep off and stay at a safe distance from anyone that walks in my way. It proved that this is how you should live your life, manage the pain, the triumphs, and the loses. To shed away the layers on you, to burn away the bags and watch them turn into ashes.
I drew a line, a big fat line that allows none inside. I was afraid to connect emotionally, because I was sure that I would get hurt again. From then on, I was sure that every damn relationship comes with an expiry date and that every place in Chennai would remind me the painful memories. You know when you laugh a day with your loved one(s) – I anticipate a day that I would think of it and cry like a kitty. But I didn’t want to be that coward anymore. I wanted to kick that fear and give a damn about relationships.
I stopped Running Away from Pain – I stood right there! Getting drenched, getting that pain infuse, letting it eat me up and finally, letting it go with a smile. I am now of a type to say NO on face, I know those who are right now in my life would never be in the next 5 years, I can shut them right away if they go overboard or sometimes I choose to play, I am passive aggressive!
Stop loving people – instead love books, fall in love with a sport, an activity, take time to live with yourself more than anything else.
I spend hours with books these days. I go for a walk – do the mild jogging – run early in the morning and I love to drive post workout, I started baking as a hobby and am getting better with every dish.
I have given up on most people who meant much to me. Now I am at peace with the emptiness. I can fall in love and fall out of love with the same zest. Not being vulnerable, not getting hurt! Talking on one’s face about one is much better than backbiting ain’t?
Being content with oneself is more important than being in a gang of people where you never know who likes you or not, who talks what about you to the other, and most of all, not feeling “You” there!
I struggled to fit in, but I overcame that concept raising a toast to myself for staying out of it! I overcame people!