Another tiring day and it was 8:30 PM when Katyayani reached home. A beautiful wedding card on her table, “Vishnupriya weds Raghuvaran,”
“Wow!” she exclaimed. “The whole family was here hours back. They felt really bad that we didn’t make it to the engagement. I guess we should go for the wedding!” ma said. “Hmmm, even I want to, been 3 years since I met all our relatives ma,” Katya smiled.
“Katya, get ready, I am booking an ola cab by 4:00 PM,” said her sister.
She picked the beige color designer salwar with zari and sequins, “Looks a bit grand, what will people say? Been just a year since divorce and she is dressing like a queen? Maybe,” she thought and left it aside, and picked a simple green salwar, “What if they give a ‘my God – poor girl’ look?” she contemplated.
The main entrance of the reception reminded her wedding. The minute they entered, many a relatives flocked. “Katya akka,” cheered her uncle’s twin daughters. They spoke to her like things were so normal but she knew they were taught to, to make her comfortable. Thanks Uncle.
A few stares, a few so-sad-looks, a few is-that-her gaze – blindingly obvious. The music, the crowd, the flowers, the family circle, the stage – everything reminded her expensive mistake. That wilted rose of a day where she understood waiting more would only burn her to death and walked out of a relationship for her own good.
“How are you Katya? You have kids?” asked the distant relative who knows nothing about what-happened. “No, I don’t have kids,” she told. “How is your husband? He is in Oman right?” The questions lined up. She had to maintain the codswallop story. Lie after lie after lie.
Tear prickled in her eyes, and her mind offered picture after picture from her own marriage and reception. She went glassy-eyed. Turning to look at her father sitting at the farthest corner, “Am sorry dad,” she murmured.
“What plans for Katya?” the first circle of close relatives started asking him. They mellowed and whispered. She could hear them in the crowd like the end of a cigarette glow in the dark. She raged at God, and cursed those people through her eyes.
She saw her other cousin walking inside with her husband and her kid. “That’s my niece, I didn’t visit my own niece since birth due to obvious reasons,” she thought and rushed to pick the sweet cherry. It was pricklier than she had intended. Her cousin interlocked her fingers and leaned to convey that she cares.
“Dad, are you alright?” she wanted to ask. Looking at that man who was draped in silk dhoti 2 years back, rushing from one corner of the stage to another, smiling happily, thanking every person who attended the reception. “What a waste of time, money and energy. Her mind was shielded with thoughts. Every little thing rubbed her in the wrong way.
“Check her horoscope,” said one. “Visit Rameshwaram, Kasi and Kanchipuram – do all the important poojas, she will be fine,” said another. “Let me check if any of our other distant relatives are divorced or what, let’s get her married off,” mumbled another. “Should have properly hired some detective agent to check the guy, no?” one asked curiously.
“Dad, why is this happening to us? Who are they? Why are they so concerned about all this now? Ask them to shut up, please,” her eye begged at him. He was calm, answering each of them politely, while many equated it to ‘he-is-ashamed’
P.S – This post is dedicated to the one who is utterly close and special to me. The emotions are applicable to both the genders, and not just to those who are divorced – even for those who are separated, widow(er), in a complicated relationship, etc..
I don’t want to give a big gyan. A person is just beyond their relationship status. Not all married are living ‘happily ever after’ and not all unmarried are ‘forever lonely’
It takes courage, self-respect and a few more attributes to walk out of a relationship that is not working.
Though the World is far advanced, when it comes to living an ideal life in India – people still stick to ‘college-work-own housing-own car-marriage-kids’ but life apparently never works the same way. If you’re living such life well and good, we appreciate but those who had to go through hard phase are only stronger according to me.
After all the break-up – patch up – break-up – patch up games, finally, officially, truly – it was a breakup. The last ‘No’ and the last ‘Never’ was mutual. Being the two who are always connected to those who only check WhatsApp DP’s and never talk was painful. Why be old-school? We can be friends, right? But, No, we can’t chat like usual. So random questions that seem relevant started. I Replaced my usual ‘Honey’ with ‘Dude, ’ and he replaced ‘Baby’ with ‘Yo!’
“Yo! can you recommend me a nonfiction?” popped his text. Another day, “Dude, know of any who can design a cover for my book?” I asked. Months passed by, we moved on, and we were talking to each other – Officially, ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend.
Two years then. Switching jobs, moving on, and another date with someone new.
“Know of someone who can help with printing?” a random text. “I know of, but, phone conversations won’t work. I shall help you. Let’s meet, Monday?” he replied. Meeting him? After two years? OMG! I’ve not lost any weight. “Okay! Done. Where?” I asked. “Starbucks!”
Was that a deliberate choice? Because, that’s one coffee shop that we’ve never been, at least, wouldn’t rekindle the good old memories right? And then, we met.
He was on time, and I was late. Our eyes met ‘Just like our first time, ’ and he seemed mute. It was almost like his mind was far away from here. “Hiiiiiiiiii,” I said and sat comfortably on the chair. ‘No, I shouldn’t sit next to him, so opposite.‘
“What would you like to have?” he offered the menu card to me.
‘Don’t you know?’ – “Caramel macchiato,” I told and gave back the menu card.
He came back with a plate of pasta.
“Oh, I forgot to get you another spoon,” he said and went back to get another. ‘Oh ya! We can’t share a spoon now, you see!’
“Have it,” he said and moved the plate towards me. ‘So unusual, he won’t let me take the first bite of anything before,’
“Howz life? Anything interesting,” I asked. ‘We’ve never asked this question to each other ever before, right?’
“Good! Are you seeing someone?” that was a direct question, though. ‘Errr!’
“Yeah! Just casual dating. Not getting into any serious relationships,” ‘God! I am yet to get over the hurt – ‘our’ hurt honey — Okay sorry, Dude,’
“Hmmm. I might get engaged this June, my girlfriend is in talks with her parents, if they agree, yes!”
‘WTFFFF’ – “Whoa! Wowww! I mean.. This is. Good ya! All the best, congrats!”
‘How can you fake like that? Fuck you!’ — “Ha! Hmm. Let’s see,” he grinned.
It’s hurting. It’s painful. It’s like rubbing my wounds with salt. Tears me apart. It was hard to look at the caramel eyes of his. We know this would happen at some point of time, but, hearing it in person, GOD NO! Though we looked cheerful, we know our mundane expressions pretty well. The poignant embarrassment in our eyes said everything. The surrounding felt gloomier. But, he looked heartbreakingly handsome that moment.
He: I sighed. I ran my fingers through my hair, ‘The fuck! Her favorite gesture,’ I thought rubbing the back of my neck. I shut my eyes damn tight and took a deep breath. My gut tightened. That viva glam MAC lipstick on her lips reminded our clumsy kisses, I had to shake my head to clear my mind off those.
“Okay! Shall we leave?” he asked, leaving the spoon on the plate. Cling!
“Ah, yeah!” I said and walked behind.
He held the restaurant door for me, as he used to. I said ‘Thank you!’ as I always do. ‘Keep it with you!’ he said as fucking usual.
Unrequited Love – To see someone with eyes brimming with love but realizing that the other doesn’t get the message. To that longing that we hold to hug the other tight, kiss their soul and pour our hearts to let them know how much you mean to them but that’s something we can never do. The pain, the disappointment and that-something which is heavy on the chest.
To love and to be loved is what we were taught, and life has also in-its-own-ways taught us to admire, fall in love with the other day by day and yet, to stay away when they don’t reciprocate.
Whenever you look at the person, you would feel like you’re given an extra pair of eyes with chocolatey-love to look at them. You just know how chiseled their features are – maybe, those cute eyes which shrink when the other laughs. The small smile that flips your heart. That beard of his or the light-burgundy colored hair of hers that shines. That moment is a bit confusing – you know you’ve fallen and you start admiring, at the same time like a ‘satan’ you are also reminded that the other is not in love with you, they don’t admire you the same way you do, they won’t like it if you say they look smart or beautiful. Holding you back, stopping you from doing what you’re doing, and yet, you continue – Oh! God! Those eyes right?
Do we have another heart or what? Or, maybe an instrument inside, the rhythmic heartbeat when that special person is around. That flirty smile cum grin on your face – God, priceless!
You don’t know what they’d tell if you approach, you don’t want to spoil the friendly-lovely talks that are on, you don’t want to be ‘that-annoying-person’ of their life either. You choose to stay steps away and stop to leave them undisturbed but damn little-did-they know how affected you are!
You’re head over heels already; you can’t throw them off your mind – what is that a piece of paper to throw in a bin? How do we demand our heart to not-to-think of THAT special person? For, you’ve thought of that person whenever your favorite songs play, you always had fancy dreams with them. To not-to-be with the only person whom you want to wake up with, just doesn’t know and is already busy with life and their priority. Hurts. Hurts with a capital H there!
But, hey! Let’s hold on and cherish these moments. See, you at least know how capable is love and how capable are you to love someone. I can only think of one thing if you love a person who doesn’t reciprocate – the love-shower that’s awaiting from THE person is going to be amazing. Love has no limits, and ensure you love yourself enough to pick yourself up and walk. Enjoy the little-somethings of your life and carry on. The right person is stuck somewhere. More love to you! 🙂
I see that you are nodding at the title. I would also like to know if you are complicating a relationship? And, my answer to you – “don’t we all?”
It is 2016, and you’re already introduced to various types of relationships – you’ve probably been/are in one. – Fling, friends with benefits, live-in relationship, sexlationships, etc..
Firstly, why aren’t we all in a steady relationship? — because times have changed. I remember a film of actor Vijay where he chose to stay single because the one he was in love with got married to another (If you know Tamil – you must now be a person who would only laugh at the concept of the film and the song ‘anandam anandam paadum, manam aasayin oonjalil aadum’)
In a way, it is better. Because you would have probably been in a relationship when you turned 20 and decided that you would wear a pink saree for your wedding reception, and you asked him to promise not to shave on your D day, the honeymoon spot, the number of kids, the list of names for girl baby and boy baby. And, poooffffff! You broke-up when you turned 24 years – reality hit. (Am leaving the reasons for you to choose – caste, religion, America Mapilai(groom), whatever… whatever..)
Like Mangatha Ajith would say ‘inime kudikave kudadhu da saamy’ ( I will never drink anymore) — you did say that you will never fall in love anymore, and moved on from the hurt. CCD would probably remind the coffee that you both shared, a nice romantic song would remind how you both were crazy about that song, Sathyam cinemas would remind that ‘tak’ kiss you both had, etc..
You’ve crossed that stage of fatal attraction and infatuation — you’re not the person who would instruct him not to talk to any other girls in the class or you’re not the guy who would burn the girl if her dupatta is not pinned to her kurta. No! Now you’re a liberal. Now you’re a confident person. No more lollipops and heart candies, it is Bournville and snickers. (Yes, you’ve grown!)
Being Indians, most of us are confused with the very concept of each type, and we don’t know the difference. We are now in a stage where you like a person; the person reciprocates – but, you’re afraid that this might fail like your previous. So you enter into it saying let’s see how long it goes. You date, you go out, movies, pub-hopping, end up having sex – you don’t belong to each other, but you do. You want the other person forever, but not really.
I know most of my friends who started off with a different term but ending up falling in love with each other. In ‘Friends-with-benefits’ you probably can date another person – but you don’t because you’ve always been loyal and you feel seeing another is cheating. A one-night-stand is supposed to finish right there, but you end up having coffee the next day.
In most of this other —ships, I see women getting offended. Though consensual, they end up feeling like slut or imagine that the guy thinks you’re one. Probably! It was not both. You can never hold his shirt collars for this. Probably, this might hurt like your failed relationships as yet, but since you didn’t talk much about the wedding preparations and having kids stuff, it saved you. (Not including your daydreams of getting married, ok?)
One thing that we all should be glad about is that the rate of suicides due to love failure (We hardly use that term – I love the fancy ‘breakup’ better) has reduced significantly. The word ‘move on’ is frequently used. Though funny, Trisha illana Nayanthara 🙂 Works right?
We are all done with the scary, dangerous, real pain that a failed relationship would leave us with.
If you find yourself complicating a relationship – it’s okay. Understand that life is bigger and better. You’ve got a lot to do -get settled before you turn 30, get married before you go bald, have kids when you’re fertile and what not?
Try living in the present. It’s okay to walk a mile with a person who can make you smile. Whatever you name it – ensure that the other person cares equally about your well-being and encourages you to reach your goal and aim, who is cherished to share stealing moments with you. Helps you to take your hobbies seriously and rushes to the hospital in the middle of the night if your family member falls ills.
May you end up with the right person for life, till then, live-life-king-size. You deserve love! 🙂