Being alone together sounds like an oxymoron to me to the least, but it is sea deep. Being in a relationship and breaking up when things don’t fall in place is an altogether different game and pain. But, being married to each other, not being compatible, but still forced-to-live-together — unimaginably painful. This post is for one of my closest friend (who wouldn’t read this) and for those who are going through this emotional numbness.
The joy and happiness when we surf through candid photography pictures of a successful and lavish wedding are heartwarming indeed. But, are they really happy? If yes, for how many days? Most weddings are after the so-called-horoscope-match but. But.. do we know if they are a match – mentally, physically, emotionally? A big No to at least 7 out of 10 marriages.
None are signing up for this emotionally unavailable relationship at the start, but life has it’s own ways, right? There are times where people bend over backward to make it work – but-still-FAIL. I know of friends who are now professional fake lovers for the sake of their families. Every time I hear this, it aches. How long would one hide their true selves? Won’t their masks fall off? I would wonder. How many days one would stay so chained-up. It pains to think!
They get married with an expectation of finding an anchor for life, but turn a heavy backpack that hangs on each other’s shoulder affecting them forever. I’ve been with them, I’ve tried to mend things between them, but, certain things can never be straightened back to normal.
Two hearts get shattered in a crowded room but none around would ever hear, Can you imagine the pain? Won’t those pair of eyes look at each other with love, at all? Won’t they become one in each other’s arm? Never. I hear. Because they tried it all. They are doped up on this worrisome that they are comfortable living in this ‘alone-together’ relationship that they don’t even think of the What-it’d-be-like-to-leave? Family pressure, caste issues, society problems, alimony, life after this, etc.., etc.. puts them together again in that fucked-up-box.
What use of being wealthy? When all you do is to cry, and add salt to your chocolate chip ice cream? Of broken dreams and nightmares – living this butchered life forever, and being the victim of this, naming it FATE. From the never-ending flow of tears to muffled tears, from shout-out-loud to calm demeanor, from spitting foul words to emptied words – the transition to this emptiness. Appalling!
“How long will you two act like this? What are we having a rehearsal dinner? – It’s life, you freaking meatballs,” I yelled at them. “We are better off but still we opt to stay under the same roof,” they said. The coppery sensation I felt when they spoke to me lingers yet. It is piercing my soul to see you two doing this to each other. I don’t want you two to stay in this such abusively-tucked-in relationship.
Enough being so distant, and locked away from each other. Can you both stand as two naked souls and talk to each other leaving your ego suits away? Would I ever see you both happier? I just hope some light edges around. I’ve done enough, but I would still continue, even after all these fruitless efforts, I will still worry my head to find a way out of this for you two.
If any of you are living ‘alone-together’, please take the initiative to solve it by-any-mean. To understand the imperfection of each other, to appreciate the differences and to enjoy the sweet-nothings is tougher than rocket science. End of the day, we’ll never know what’s going in the other’s mind, but, why don’t we just try? Will you?
“Who is the winter?” I had responded, almost automatically. It had torn her apart, making her shy away and cocoon into herself for days after that.
I knew from experience that she was sensitive. More importantly, how was she living without me? The worry was nagging me, clutching at my throat.
She was a weird combination of many personality traits – obviously not fitting into any of the zodiac stereotypes. She had been a soul filled enigma, irrevocably colouring a few chapters in the otherwise monochrome book of my life in vibrant shades.
I had known she was keeping things from me since day 1. But I had been too comfortable in my own blindness to think hard about it. I knew I was not getting the complete truth but I couldn’t leave her for that.
She was the risk I adored, a failure I’d cherish and a bitch I’d worship.
Every time I touched my Royal Enfield, wanting to escape the shit that was my life with a long morning drive coasting along the ECR, I would remember him. My Raghu – someone I’ll never forget in my lifetime. He was my serendipity. He was the one I had wanted to meet, fall in love with and live happily ever after together. His innocence and care had been unadulterated and unfiltered and even his kisses would seem gentle, giving and wanting simultaneously, and adding a piquancy to the forbidden platter we were relishing.
Staying miles apart, yet sensing his presence almost close to me – it was magical and unique. In a matter of months, our lives had tangibly tangled, messily interlaced. Letting him go was the hardest thing I had done. Of all the things I hate about my life, this goodbye stands at the top of the list.
Our life together was knit by moments rather than the ‘forever and after’ promise.
The usual spot where he dropped me and waited until I had safely entered my house
His cold stares at the creepy perverts who objectified me sexually.
The way he pulled me closer to avoid the oncoming traffic.
I had fallen in love with him a little more every time he had done something like that. I was practically in another world while I was with him.
His entry in my life changed two things – I no longer felt sick and lonely. I finally knew what it meant to be with a constant companion, for he had always been there either physically or emotionally, running in my mind on a loop like a one song playlist. Secondly, he had brought back my feeling of trust in men. The transition from ‘How will I trust anyone ever again’ to ‘Why would I even think of trusting anyone else?’ had been easy for me with him beside me.
It had been a given that I would never love anyone again but he had picked me up from the hard ground where I had fallen and shattered into pieces – nursing me back to health, carrying me around like the most fragile, gentle thing ever.
P.S – The above is an excerpt from my new release – Dirty Martini. Grab your copy from Amazon If you’ve missed reading the Prologue, please do read now 🙂
We were wildfires! I was stuck in tragedies when our eyes locked for the first time. It took me hardly few weeks to fall head over heels. Your words, your eyes, and your voice – and, the way you sing, how can I not fall in love, though?
When you ‘Happened’ to me, I felt ‘free’ more than the usual ‘happy.’
It was good. Not the usual good, but freaking-falling-in-love good when we proceeded from being friends to being close. I tried not to fall in love with you, like kicking away the strands of grass with legs. But, in vain. Little did I know you’ll turn the biggest drug of all those who I ever know, I was addicted to you. Like, crazily! Days when I didn’t have to figure things out on my own, with you – everything felt complete. You loved me through my struggles, you know the internal fires, the pain, et al. You loved me with the heavy baggage that came with. I love you!
We didn’t make it through; we had our own hurdles that stopped us from even giving it a try. We were proud to say ‘Yes, we are in love and are also coward enough to take this forward,’ but hey, you know what? I wish that you fall in love with a heart that loves you as much as I do. Yes, we’ve moved on but still a small part of you will always love me and a teeny weeny part of me will always love you! We were not strong enough to love each other the way we actually deserved, right? The ‘fear’ stopped us, stopped us from every little thing that we ever wanted to do with each other.
Days together – wrestling with you for the bottle of water, and pouring it all over. You snatching the stupid phone of mine and throwing it far. We being ‘just there’ at that moment forgetting our pasts and come-what-may future. Having leftover pizzas with you, and talking some-random-shit. We were not as dramatic enough to call you the yin and to say I am the yang, but, we somewhere down the line were two individuals who appreciated the differences between us.
Maybe, our ‘forever’ was just a few ‘months, ’ but those are worth years, don’t you think? I do, though. Thinking of you leaves me smiling that spreads to my now-glassy eyes. We chucked the idea of ‘forever’ and ‘happily ever afters’ for good, but we fell in love with that thought down the line, didn’t we?
I’m still in love with you, though I have my reasons to not to be. You left me with a level of peace when we had to depart and bid goodbye. When did we become so wise? That we chose to make it easier to leave each other before it was time. It was tough to find my footing without you, and you fucking-know-that.
I am indeed happy now, for having fallen in love with you. We are friends now, and you’re someone I’d always count on when times are harder. Thanks for believing in me, and my dreams. It was an honor to be loved by you. For, I am not someone who wants hours and hours with a person but ‘moments,’ thank you for swallowing me in whole and for drenching me in love. I might not thank you for everything you ever did, but I would for the ‘Magic’ and though am not a part of your family (though I wanted to) – for a brief period, I was a part of you, and that would do!
Dedicated to the lovely bunch of practical nut-heads out there! 🙂 And, I will always wish that you fall in love with a heart that loves you as much as the other did.