Category Archives: Thoughts

Should I share my PAST with Him/Her

This question, though, is pretty tricky. And, the answer to this question depends on a few factors that are not in our control. One important element – HUMAN’s MIND.
See, let’s admit that all of us have some guilty secrets, a past that shaped us, something dark and gloomy et al. We are in an era where moving on is not an option anymore, it is a necessity.
We get into relationships that are convenient for the time being. We all need somebody to lean on! We are all in a ‘something’ that falls under the big fat umbrella called ‘relationship, ’ and we do shit that we think we want to do.
So, when we move on and get into an authentic or official relationship/marriage – there comes a one-on-one discussion to blurt out and confess. Wait up!
To confess a guilty pleasure – I just love the honeymoon period in a new relationship. A new found love comes wrapped in a velvet paper and big red bows, and some gourmet chocolates that we all love to indulge.
But, in most relationships, people think that opening up and sharing about your past is the best and people do. To me, THIS IS WRONG. In a relationship, what matters is what happens from the day one of the said person’s entry, whatever happened ‘before’ them has nothing to do with what’s coming up. But, people do the so-called beer talking and confess shit. And, the result, the said person MIGHT bring up the topic to hit you at the hardest of the times to hurt. The world is filled with a few jackasses and shit who’ll never be the same. You might feel a lot lighter after the confession, but the receiver might not feel the same. To a few, talking about their past is like chewing the tip of the pen, they’re addicted. Don’t don’t that and don’t be that.
The past is like a twilight sky that throws iridescent shades – it shows different color from different angles, and that’s the trickiest part. You’ll never know what shade his/her bespectacled eyes would choose to see. Who’ll know the deeper mind of a person?
Well, he/she might probably throw their arms around you, hand at the small of your back, circling lower. But, baby, the aftermath? – Apocalypse. My advice – keep your lips sealed. Your new relationship/marriage has nothing to do with ‘what your raging hormones did’ at all.
What probably happens when you share each other’s past?
It lingers in the mind forever and self-doubt’s like Is she/he in love with the ex yet, was she/he good in bed than I am now, is she/he in touch with em, etc.. would bug now and then
Or, if you get to sort out the above self-doubts – you both would still keep the ‘ex’ in your conversations.
The other (if he/she is a bit of a piece of shit) might bring up your past to use it against you
I can keep adding more points to the above.
If you come back at me stating “Sharing the past builds trust” – my pumpkin pie, you’ll have to get yourself a self-check — what ‘trust’ means to you and how you define it.
You’ll never have to feel guilty about not sharing your past. It is over. It totally is.
Whatever you had gone through had made you the person who you are now, and if the significant half cannot accept the whole-new-you, reconsider!
To quote Chanakya’s (I read long back, and I don’t remember the same word by word) — Once you share your secrets/past with someone, you become their slave. This applies to friends too. Even if you’ve moved on, those with whom you shared it will never – they’d bring the topic, time and again, unless you burst out like a volcano asking em to shut the fuck up.
Sharing your past might feel like emptying it all and pulling of the light, but, you’d always find a silhouette staring at you. There’ll be a shadow that tugs at you.
What matters is what happens after the official ‘To be your lawful, wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold in sickness and health, for better or for worse, till death do you part.’
I wouldn’t deny the fact that many live happily-ever-after starting fresh because they shared their share of past and felt a lot better. But, with what I’ve observed around, I guess it is not a good idea. Think before you talk!

Being His Better (Half) Girlfriend

Why be half-girlfriend? Why not the THE girlfriend? Because, when we met, both of us had a bitter past that hurt us to the very marrow of the bones. In fact, that sparked a beautiful friendship between us. We spent our days talking about our fucked-up-past, and in the course, we sensed that talking to each other was healing. We realized that talking about our respective past-memories that we’d rather not helped us to move on. We entered each other’s life when we were working hard to push people away.

From the initial “it is nice to have someone to talk to” it slowly progressed to “feeling like a fairy” with him around. That left us both unsettled, and nervous. We were frightened of failing, all over again. We sensed the ‘elephant in the room’ and a ‘truth or dare’ over a WhatsApp chat cleared inhibitions. So, apparently, I was experiencing the ‘emotion’ that I didn’t want to for some time, a smidgen of happiness, and walk down the chocolate aisle.

Do we like each other? YES
Are we over our past, yet? NO
Can we be friends? We’re more than that
So what do we do? – Go with the flow
Probably every relationship goes through this ‘let’s go with the flow’ phase. That being said, it’s what being half-girlfriend is.

What was the best part of the relationship? – Heard of this statement that says ‘you need some distance to read a book, you can’t hold it close and complaint the hindrance,’ that exactly is the best part. We had this beautiful short-distance that left ‘being-possessive’ out of our plate. We promised to stay dedicated in helping each other to ‘grow’ as a better person. Also, we kept this between us and said ‘no’ to the inquiries that questioned our relationship. Because we were done with the gyans and pieces of advice from people around. And most importantly, we thought, we’re better off without that ‘I-told-you-so’ smile from folks when we part ways.

His presence sent fresh blood seeping through my veins. I was happy. Really, really Happy with a capital H. I had no inhibitions, I was comfortable with him as I would be in my messy hair bun and patterned pajamas. I was glad because I was ‘ME’ with him and he didn’t judge me, whatsoever. And, of course, vice versa. Soon, our past memories and stories did really become a part of the past itself, and we had no inclination to talk about it. We focused on the ‘present, ’ and we had each other in it.

Having done with ‘invading one’s space,’ being emotionally dependent, and facing behavioral problems, this short-term half-girlfriend relationship was way better, and I did sense growing better as a person. So did he. Of course, In life, we cannot have all that we want. Reality and realization taught that we are into something that we can’t afford, though. Life takes us to places we don’t have the slightest clue. We HAD to part away, and we did as friends.

But, with people around and friends who are not-happily-married and falling-out-of-love quite often, we felt that parting when we are all in love is much better. Though it was brief, we are better people now because of each other.

Being half-girlfriend means, you will always be in love with that person and smile whenever you think of the other. There’s no ‘falling out of love’ 🙂

P.S: I am sharing a Half relationship story at BlogAdda in association with #HalfGirlfriend


Being ‘Leela’ – Kaatru Veliyidai

Being ‘Leela’ – Kaatru Veliyidai
Disclaimer: This is not a movie review, I’ve not read any of the reviews that are already up on the internet (Even those written by my friends), This post is written from the female-protagonist’s POV leafing my personal experiences.
‘I am a ______’ say that now, he said (Fill the dash with the filthiest cuss word that degrades a woman – if you’re a tamilian, you know the word already). For almost 3 hours, he kept repeating – pleading, ordering, forcing, and what not?. I said no, I cried, I said this is not happening. But at the end of the skype call, I did say those words. He smiled because it satisfied his personal ego, pride, and the ‘I am a Man’ attitude. He only wanted to know to what extent I would go to be his. He wanted me to prove that I love him and I would do anything that he says. He sent me a voice text that he is extremely sorry for his behavior when I dozed off. The next day, I received a bunch of roses with a sorry card. —- This scene flashed my mind whenever VC yelled at Leela in the movie.
Ok, “why didn’t you walk out of that relationship?” because the foundation that a man lays for a relationship is strong. The first 10 days – they make you feel like you’re the only beautiful woman ever alive, like they would do just ANYTHING for you. When you foolishly fall for that trap – you’re done. Even if he does a 100 damn things that makes you want to walk out of that relationship, you would hold on to the 10 lovely things that he did to STAY in the relationship. -He woos you totally! His actions & words would say that you’re about to live a happily-ever-after and a fairytale – The first half of the film.
I was 21 – Naive (not really using the age as a trump card but seriously, I was dumb and naive) and I fell for this guy. He swept me off my feet because he came from the other country just to spend 2 hours with me. He presented ‘something-of-high-value’ that I yearned to own, he introduced me as his ‘girl’ to every freaking person. He wrote me 100 mails a day. – First 10 days, and we were done with our ‘dream-wedding-plan’ and the names for our kids. There are people who mean everything that they say. Fortunately, I belonged to that category and unfortunately, he wasn’t. Plot Thickens!
‘Leela just give me one chance leela just one one one chance’ – When VC said this in the movie, I freaked out. I couldn’t hold myself, I took that damn memory lane – I was standing in the other side of the airport’s glass door across him, crying desperately. I could never walk out – he’d always come back and plead. I had to accept, at least, that’s what I thought. Because, MEN can be arrogant, short-tempered, angry, they can use cuss words, they can slap you if things go overboard. But, WOMEN should accept him and smile like nothing happened when he gets back to you. [Not ALL men and Not ALL women, but, narrowing down to this category of people who believe so]
You’re taught not to stay in a sexually abusive relationship. You’re taught not to be with the man who physically abuses you. But, were you taught not be in an emotionally-abusive relationship? I was not. In fact, I didn’t even know that I am being emotionally abused. I picked a few to talk about this — Men are like wine they get better with age, happens! in every relationship, ‘he is like that only,’ said his sister and close friends. When Leela talks-out-loud that VC is not treating her right, that she feels like he crumples her – I wondered, and felt that Leela was at least matured enough to understand that. I wasn’t.
He’d stab me with words and stop me from bleeding, he’d use the ‘most-abusive-word’ that I’ve not spelled in my life but hug me in a minute when I cry. He broke me into pieces and healed me with a single touch.
‘I would love you more than you love me, and I would love you even if you don’t love me’ — This is one dialogue that’s been rephrased and used by umpteen in the world. I’ve heard that too.
We’ve had a few beautiful moments – he fulfilled 3 dreams of mine. But, I ‘PAID’ a lot for it. My dignity, self-respect, my career, my friends..
Remove all the ‘guys’ from your friend-list, he said. ‘Let me deactivate my account,’ I offered. ‘No, my relatives would know that you did so because of me. So, remove all the ‘guys’. – VC shouting at her to remove the cap, scolding her again and again for the silliest reason. Reminded him. Reminded how fucked up my 2012 was. Reminded those days that I held a knife to kill myself.
‘Naan en un kita thirumba thirumba varen’ – (Why am I even coming back to you?) – If a woman can answer this question – she’d be out of the relationship that she’s not supposed to.
In love, it is always emotions over logic. There’s no answer for your ‘why’ – you are not even a victim but a volunteer. You end up picturing your life with him where the world is always decorated with a bunch of roses, you imagine that he fell down from the heaven, you push yourself to live the life with him no matter what. His entry changed your life irrevocably that you don’t even have the guts to go back. He would ensure that you’re always okay after every fight, even if you’re in pain. He wins, every single time.
There’s no ‘break-up’ concept according to the ‘old-school’ me. Our parents, relatives, and friends knew about the relationship so the ‘break-up’ even if I wanted to, was not easy. I had to be responsible, I had to understand him, I thought ‘more-complicated’ is ‘more-healthy’ and I was not sure if he was ‘possessive’ or just another ‘psycho’. When my mother asked why was I crying over the phone, I yelled at her not to over-hear what she’s not supposed to. When my sister confessed that she didn’t like him, I said that I do. When my dad asked if things are fine, I lied that it is the BEST.
I was a ZERO when I walked out of his life. His last few words were ‘You changed me. Now I am the person whom you wanted to live life with. You taught me to be ‘human’ and now, you’re leaving me,’ if I had falled for those words, I wouldn’t be what I am today.
If only #KaatruVeliyidai and #Iraivi had released in 2012 – I would have saved a considerable part of my life.
But you know what? All of us are either Leela or VC – only the proportion varies.
P.S – My experiences are from the stone-age when Tinder and TrulyMadly didn’t exist and my thought-process back then was completely different. My mind was tuned to believe mills and boons, and a few dumb movies that I saw.

My biggest regret in life? – YOU

Why are you here? Did the title remind you of that ONE person, and did your brain switch-on his/her image that you’re struggling hard to forget? And, are you contorting your face in a grimace of pain – Well, join the club!
Why it hurts, though? Because Life has no ‘shift + delete’ option. You cannot command or program your mind to NOT to think what you DON’T want to think.
Most of the time you end up thinking ‘WHY’ I made that mistake, why didn’t I know this before, and most importantly, you ask ‘WHY’ me. I’d like to answer – take it if it convinces you. Because that’s how life will sift you from your husk, grinds you white and wakes you up from your ‘scarlet cheeks’ dreams.
We think ‘narrow’ that’s how we are programmed to think – have you ever seen a movie or read a book with wild twists that leaves you thinking ‘why didn’t I see that coming?’ Yes, we are all informed and preached to think white-hands come clean.
You’re hurt and in pain NOT because of your choice or because of the said person but because you were tender. You are wounded by what you THOUGHT and MISUNDERSTOOD as love. It’s not a mistake to be ignorant.
Yes, what’s life without these experiences, though? Those winged-heart days, drenched in ecstasy, bloodied in memories and secrets. When you subscribed wholeheartedly and wanted to stay asleep in the love-mist.



Then comes a day when you get to see the said person’s worth butt-naked, and it leaves you heavy upon your hearts. Time took its time to destroy the sand-constructed home-sweet-home that you built in your mind. You fell apart, scattered into fragments, strained and stained, and curled like the edges of burnt paper.
Life is but a bell-curve that takes its own time to reveal things. From your eyes that were glistening with lust when with the special someone to the same eyes turning red with hatred. Talk about transformation! Freaks us out, right?
But, hey! Why judge yourself with the mistakes and failures? How about something awesome like resurrecting from your ruins? Let me tell you a secret – there’s nothing called ‘love’ it is just ‘getting used to a person’ because we humans are a creature of habits. I firmly believe that nothing goes waste in the cosmos. Every little thing has its purpose, so was your bad experience and the person. U-turns and wrong paths are not a waste of time, and you will never be gone so far from a return. Don’t let the haze envelope your life altogether. Life is big, and it waits for you to make bigger and better mistakes, to learn and move forward, why stay stuck with one? Don’t even call the person as ‘regret’ for they’re not worth it. Keep that pain at an arm’s distance but not the ‘lesson’ that it left you with. Don’t imagine and cloud your mind with ‘all men/women are the same’ and don’t shut yourself entirely from ‘love’ – if all are supposed to be the same, we’d all look alike, don’t you think this universe has its reasons to have blessed us each with different looks, attributes, and capabilities.
Don’t cling and crib about it again and again, for it would lead you into the abyss.



I no longer love the person who was once the world to me!

Happened to talk to a friend after a long time. We are friends for over 12 years, and the said person is someone I loved wholeheartedly and was madly possessive about. Days rolled and our priorities have changed, a phone call from the person didn’t quite evoke the same happy-puppy-smile that it once brought. I didn’t use the sweet-secret-pet name to address and was as normal as talking to an airtel customer service.
Does this ever happen to love? Yes, it sure does. I am not talking about getting back to the normal routine after the honeymoon period, but sometimes, the ‘effort’ that the relationship takes goes missing. Maybe, one of you were still throwing in efforts even when the other was not attentive, and eventually, just GAVE UP.
You feel a pang in your heart when he says “I am busy with work!” and your mind thinks about the summer paradise days when he bunked office and rushed to see you with flowers.
She might have had her french exams and didn’t text you good night for several days, and gave you a razor sharp reply when asked. Oh! Boy! There were those days when she used to text you non-stop.
Life has its flagpoles placed at various points that you mature with time, and eventually creates an impenetrable fog that makes you two, emotionally unreachable to each other. Not that you two don’t love each other, or that the love between had died – it can never sink into oblivion, can it?
Sometimes, the love felt during the aftermath of a heated argument leaves one of you to mentally reset that an ‘argument’ should never be a part of the life. Slowly, you get to understand the likes and dislikes of each other, and instead of DEALING with it at the expense of your sanity, either of you chose to IGNORE the contradiction and run the show further.
There’s no tug of war – both of you are holding the ropes and are staring at each other, waiting for the other to pull the rope slightly. The pain point is that you don’t give up because you are affectionate but just for the sake of it, sometimes, one might even feel submissive for that matter.
Can we just deal with it taking one at a time? First, don’t give that impassive look to each other. Stop being inanimate objects at home. Enough being the taut bowstring, and enough letting the terror sink its claws at you guys. Before you even give life to the dying-love, reach out to understand if there’s enough ‘Quiet’ and peace. It can be rusty as hell, and don’t let it go like the sun that slips behind the cloud – remember, it would emerge another day, if not now.
It takes emotional intimacy first rather than any other to rekindle the love. Bring it on! Don’t whip around your issues or what-you/I-did-wrong. Don’t care to give any plausible explanation. More often than not, we tend to claw and rummage at the ‘why’ and ‘how’ and ‘what’ factor but it actually takes a backseat when you want something to work out. Though hard, practice NOT asking questions and TRY not wanting to find answers/reasons. Let go of everything that holds you on, especially, the doubts and insecurities.
There are many crappy links that would preach you to have a couple spa, take a candlelight dinner, and much worse, to perfume and make your bed for some hot sessions – but, trust me, it doesn’t work that way.
Nothing like a time together, a small chit-chat letting go of the ‘ego’ factor and working it out gently, and kindly? It is inexpensive and is sure to work wonders. Let it go, and TALK.

Broke-up, but still in love!

All of us had to leave behind a relationship for some reason or the other. I know of friends who had to break-up because one wanted to study further, and I know of families that forced their son/daughter to break-up and get married to a person of their choice, religion or caste issues, misunderstandings, etc…, etc.. Okay, yes! Officially you broke up but. A big BUT.. how do you stop loving the person, though? How do you move on? Let’s talk about it.

Though not ‘Love’ I am indeed nursing myself from parting ways from a friend who misunderstood me recently. No amount of explanation could mend things, Though an author with umpteen friends online, I have a very few to count on. I tried my level best but he was stubborn and continued to accuse, it was polemical. From being the person I talk with every single day, from the one who comes to rescue, from the one whom I cry-out-loud, now,  though connected online, we don’t talk anymore. It was hard-hitting, and I went inside-my-shell mode. I was not normal for days.

Most of us deal the ‘breaking-up even when in love for unavoidable reasons’ emotionally. Don’t we all? Especially when we are below 25 years. Though age is just a number, at least the majority is.

First, tell yourself “People leave,” – the number of people who left us either by choice, or because ‘way of life’ right from our childhood is countless. We’ve gone through it all; we can never be in terms with every single person we know. Few are matured enough to strike a balance and respect the differences, but a few are not. She/He might be the haunting dark nights of your soul, and you will experience short-circuit in your brain. And, that’s okay! Don’t throw yourself into the reverberating thoughts and go offbeat, do something different from usual. Make new friends, or indulge in something new or something you are good at. It can as simple as a morning walk or a small leap like learning a new language. That person will always be a precious fragrant flower – don’t force yourself to hate the person, let the person go and hold on to the love. Even if you act like you hate the person, your deepest heart’s truth is that you-love-the-person.

Stop trying to clear the cobwebs in your mind, don’t search for answers in haunting silence. The thoughts of the person would stay there bright like fire in the night sky. Cushion your thoughts and heart. A few disconnected days would prove that the suffering was not worth it, you will be fine, fucking fine. Embrace the memories, let it stay but don’t leave ways to haunt you. It’s okay to have their footprints like a tattoo on your mind. Try not falling into the quicksand called self-hatred, forgive yourself for the attachment you developed.

People are destined to walk into your life and leave when it’s time. Every single thing counts in the cosmos, don’t question “why” it happened. Answer ‘It is over!’ And that you’ve learned your lessons and march forward. Don’t close yourself from the next person who might walk in; you don’t pour all the water you had in your bottle if some spill away. Life is short to experience and learn lessons, sometimes, it comes through people or is people.

Nurse your heart optimistically and just love, wildly! Right now, I picked a book to escape into a new world, what’s your escape plan?

Alone Together

Being alone together sounds like an oxymoron to me to the least, but it is sea deep. Being in a relationship and breaking up when things don’t fall in place is an altogether different game and pain. But, being married to each other, not being compatible, but still forced-to-live-together — unimaginably painful. This post is for one of my closest friend (who wouldn’t read this) and for those who are going through this emotional numbness.
The joy and happiness when we surf through candid photography pictures of a successful and lavish wedding are heartwarming indeed. But, are they really happy? If yes, for how many days? Most weddings are after the so-called-horoscope-match but. But.. do we know if they are a match – mentally, physically, emotionally? A big No to at least 7 out of 10 marriages.
None are signing up for this emotionally unavailable relationship at the start, but life has it’s own ways, right? There are times where people bend over backward to make it work – but-still-FAIL. I know of friends who are now professional fake lovers for the sake of their families. Every time I hear this, it aches. How long would one hide their true selves? Won’t their masks fall off? I would wonder. How many days one would stay so chained-up. It pains to think!
They get married with an expectation of finding an anchor for life, but turn a heavy backpack that hangs on each other’s shoulder affecting them forever. I’ve been with them, I’ve tried to mend things between them, but, certain things can never be straightened back to normal.
Two hearts get shattered in a crowded room but none around would ever hear, Can you imagine the pain? Won’t those pair of eyes look at each other with love, at all? Won’t they become one in each other’s arm? Never. I hear. Because they tried it all. They are doped up on this worrisome that they are comfortable living in this ‘alone-together’ relationship that they don’t even think of the What-it’d-be-like-to-leave? Family pressure, caste issues, society problems, alimony, life after this, etc.., etc.. puts them together again in that fucked-up-box.
What use of being wealthy? When all you do is to cry, and add salt to your chocolate chip ice cream? Of broken dreams and nightmares – living this butchered life forever, and being the victim of this, naming it FATE. From the never-ending flow of tears to muffled tears, from shout-out-loud to calm demeanor, from spitting foul words to emptied words – the transition to this emptiness. Appalling!
How long will you two act like this? What are we having a rehearsal dinner? – It’s life, you freaking meatballs,” I yelled at them. “We are better off but still we opt to stay under the same roof,” they said. The coppery sensation I felt when they spoke to me lingers yet. It is piercing my soul to see you two doing this to each other. I don’t want you two to stay in this such abusively-tucked-in relationship.
Enough being so distant, and locked away from each other. Can you both stand as two naked souls and talk to each other leaving your ego suits away? Would I ever see you both happier? I just hope some light edges around. I’ve done enough, but I would still continue, even after all these fruitless efforts, I will still worry my head to find a way out of this for you two.
If any of you are living ‘alone-together’, please take the initiative to solve it by-any-mean. To understand the imperfection of each other, to appreciate the differences and to enjoy the sweet-nothings is tougher than rocket science. End of the day, we’ll never know what’s going in the other’s mind, but, why don’t we just try? Will you?

A few months of ‘Forever’ with you!

We were wildfires! I was stuck in tragedies when our eyes locked for the first time. It took me hardly few weeks to fall head over heels. Your words, your eyes, and your voice – and, the way you sing, how can I not fall in love, though?
When you ‘Happened’ to me, I felt ‘free’ more than the usual ‘happy.’
It was good. Not the usual good, but freaking-falling-in-love good when we proceeded from being friends to being close. I tried not to fall in love with you, like kicking away the strands of grass with legs. But, in vain. Little did I know you’ll turn the biggest drug of all those who I ever know, I was addicted to you. Like, crazily! Days when I didn’t have to figure things out on my own, with you – everything felt complete. You loved me through my struggles, you know the internal fires, the pain, et al. You loved me with the heavy baggage that came with. I love you!
We didn’t make it through; we had our own hurdles that stopped us from even giving it a try. We were proud to say ‘Yes, we are in love and are also coward enough to take this forward,’ but hey, you know what? I wish that you fall in love with a heart that loves you as much as I do. Yes, we’ve moved on but still a small part of you will always love me and a teeny weeny part of me will always love you! We were not strong enough to love each other the way we actually deserved, right? The ‘fear’ stopped us, stopped us from every little thing that we ever wanted to do with each other.
Days together – wrestling with you for the bottle of water, and pouring it all over. You snatching the stupid phone of mine and throwing it far. We being ‘just there’ at that moment forgetting our pasts and come-what-may future. Having leftover pizzas with you, and talking some-random-shit. We were not as dramatic enough to call you the yin and to say I am the yang, but, we somewhere down the line were two individuals who appreciated the differences between us.
Maybe, our ‘forever’ was just a few ‘months, ’ but those are worth years, don’t you think? I do, though. Thinking of you leaves me smiling that spreads to my now-glassy eyes. We chucked the idea of ‘forever’ and ‘happily ever afters’ for good, but we fell in love with that thought down the line, didn’t we?  
I’m still in love with you, though I have my reasons to not to be. You left me with a level of peace when we had to depart and bid goodbye.  When did we become so wise? That we chose to make it easier to leave each other before it was time. It was tough to find my footing without you, and you fucking-know-that.
I am indeed happy now, for having fallen in love with you. We are friends now, and you’re someone I’d always count on when times are harder. Thanks for believing in me, and my dreams. It was an honor to be loved by you. For, I am not someone who wants hours and hours with a person but ‘moments,’ thank you for swallowing me in whole and for drenching me in love. I might not thank you for everything you ever did, but I would for the ‘Magic’ and though am not a part of your family (though I wanted to) – for a brief period, I was a part of you, and that would do!
Dedicated to the lovely bunch of practical nut-heads out there! 🙂 And,  I will always wish that you fall in love with a heart that loves you as much as the other did.

Relationship Status? – “Others”

Another tiring day and it was 8:30 PM when Katyayani reached home. A beautiful wedding card on her table, “Vishnupriya weds Raghuvaran,
 “Wow!” she exclaimed. “The whole family was here hours back. They felt really bad that we didn’t make it to the engagement. I guess we should go for the wedding!” ma said. “Hmmm, even I want to, been 3 years since I met all our relatives ma,” Katya smiled.
 “Katya, get ready, I am booking an ola cab by 4:00 PM,” said her sister.
 She picked the beige color designer salwar with zari and sequins, “Looks a bit grand, what will people say? Been just a year since divorce and she is dressing like a queen? Maybe,” she thought and left it aside, and picked a simple green salwar, “What if they give a ‘my God – poor girl’ look?” she contemplated.
The main entrance of the reception reminded her wedding. The minute they entered, many a relatives flocked. “Katya akka,” cheered her uncle’s twin daughters. They spoke to her like things were so normal but she knew they were taught to, to make her comfortable. Thanks Uncle.
A few stares, a few so-sad-looks, a few is-that-her gaze – blindingly obvious. The music, the crowd, the flowers, the family circle, the stage – everything reminded her expensive mistake. That wilted rose of a day where she understood waiting more would only burn her to death and walked out of a relationship for her own good.
How are you Katya? You have kids?” asked the distant relative who knows nothing about what-happened. “No, I don’t have kids,” she told. “How is your husband? He is in Oman right?” The questions lined up. She had to maintain the codswallop story. Lie after lie after lie.
Tear prickled in her eyes, and her mind offered picture after picture from her own marriage and reception. She went glassy-eyed. Turning to look at her father sitting at the farthest corner, “Am sorry dad,” she murmured.
“What plans for Katya?” the first circle of close relatives started asking him. They mellowed and whispered. She could hear them in the crowd like the end of a cigarette glow in the dark. She raged at God, and cursed those people through her eyes.
She saw her other cousin walking inside with her husband and her kid. “That’s my niece, I didn’t visit my own niece since birth due to obvious reasons,” she thought and rushed to pick the sweet cherry. It was pricklier than she had intended. Her cousin interlocked her fingers and leaned to convey that she cares.
“Dad, are you alright?” she wanted to ask. Looking at that man who was draped in silk dhoti 2 years back, rushing from one corner of the stage to another, smiling happily, thanking every person who attended the reception. “What a waste of time, money and energy. Her mind was shielded with thoughts.  Every little thing rubbed her in the wrong way.
 “Check her horoscope,” said one. “Visit Rameshwaram, Kasi and Kanchipuram – do all the important poojas, she will be fine,” said another. “Let me check if any of our other distant relatives are divorced or what, let’s get her married off,” mumbled another. “Should have properly hired some detective agent to check the guy, no?” one asked curiously.
 “Dad, why is this happening to us? Who are they? Why are they so concerned about all this now? Ask them to shut up, please,” her eye begged at him. He was calm, answering each of them politely, while many equated it to ‘he-is-ashamed’
P.S – This post is dedicated to the one who is utterly close and special to me. The emotions are applicable to both the genders, and not just to those who are divorced – even for those who are separated, widow(er), in a complicated relationship, etc..
 I don’t want to give a big gyan. A person is just beyond their relationship status. Not all married are living ‘happily ever after’ and not all unmarried are ‘forever lonely’
 It takes courage, self-respect and a few more attributes to walk out of a relationship that is not working.
Though the World is far advanced, when it comes to living an ideal life in India – people still stick to ‘college-work-own housing-own car-marriage-kids’ but life apparently never works the same way. If you’re living such life well and good, we appreciate but those who had to go through hard phase are only stronger according to me.

Coffee with ‘Ex’

After all the break-up – patch up – break-up – patch up games, finally, officially, truly – it was a breakup. The last ‘No’ and the last ‘Never’ was mutual. Being the two who are always connected to those who only check WhatsApp DP’s and never talk was painful. Why be old-school? We can be friends, right? But, No, we can’t chat like usual. So random questions that seem relevant started. I Replaced my usual  ‘Honey’ with ‘Dude, ’ and he replaced ‘Baby’ with ‘Yo!’
“Yo! can you recommend me a nonfiction?” popped his text. Another day, “Dude, know of any who can design a cover for my book?” I asked. Months passed by, we moved on, and we were talking to each other – Officially, ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend.
Two years then. Switching jobs, moving on, and another date with someone new.
“Know of someone who can help with printing?” a random text. “I know of, but, phone conversations won’t work. I shall help you. Let’s meet, Monday?” he replied. Meeting him? After two years? OMG! I’ve not lost any weight. “Okay! Done. Where?” I asked. “Starbucks!”
Was that a deliberate choice? Because, that’s one coffee shop that we’ve never been, at least, wouldn’t rekindle the good old memories right? And then, we met.
He was on time, and I was late. Our eyes met ‘Just like our first time, ’ and he seemed mute. It was almost like his mind was far away from here. “Hiiiiiiiiii,” I said and sat comfortably on the chair. ‘No, I shouldn’t sit next to him, so opposite.
“What would you like to have?” he offered the menu card to me.
Don’t you know?’ – “Caramel macchiato,” I told and gave back the menu card.
He came back with a plate of pasta.


“Oh, I forgot to get you another spoon,” he said and went back to get another. ‘Oh ya! We can’t share a spoon now, you see!’
“Have it,” he said and moved the plate towards me. ‘So unusual, he won’t let me take the first bite of anything before,’
“Howz life? Anything interesting,” I asked. ‘We’ve never asked this question to each other ever before, right?’
“Good! Are you seeing someone?” that was a direct question, though. ‘Errr!’
“Yeah! Just casual dating. Not getting into any serious relationships,” ‘God! I am yet to get over the hurt – ‘our’ hurt honey — Okay sorry, Dude,’
“Hmmm. I might get engaged this June, my girlfriend is in talks with her parents, if they agree, yes!”
WTFFFF’ – “Whoa! Wowww! I mean.. This is. Good ya! All the best, congrats!”
How can you fake like that? Fuck you!’ — “Ha! Hmm. Let’s see,” he grinned.
It’s hurting. It’s painful. It’s like rubbing my wounds with salt. Tears me apart. It was hard to look at the caramel eyes of his. We know this would happen at some point of time, but, hearing it in person, GOD NO! Though we looked cheerful, we know our mundane expressions pretty well. The poignant embarrassment in our eyes said everything. The surrounding felt gloomier. But, he looked heartbreakingly handsome that moment.
He: I sighed. I ran my fingers through my hair, ‘The fuck! Her favorite gesture,’ I thought rubbing the back of my neck. I shut my eyes damn tight and took a deep breath. My gut tightened. That viva glam MAC lipstick on her lips reminded our clumsy kisses, I had to shake my head to clear my mind off those.
“Okay! Shall we leave?” he asked, leaving the spoon on the plate. Cling!
“Ah, yeah!” I said and walked behind.
He held the restaurant door for me, as he used to. I said ‘Thank you!’ as I always do. ‘Keep it with you!’ he said as fucking usual.