Why are you here? Did the title remind you of that ONE person, and did your brain switch-on his/her image that you’re struggling hard to forget? And, are you contorting your face in a grimace of pain – Well, join the club!
Why it hurts, though? Because Life has no ‘shift + delete’ option. You cannot command or program your mind to NOT to think what you DON’T want to think.
Most of the time you end up thinking ‘WHY’ I made that mistake, why didn’t I know this before, and most importantly, you ask ‘WHY’ me. I’d like to answer – take it if it convinces you. Because that’s how life will sift you from your husk, grinds you white and wakes you up from your ‘scarlet cheeks’ dreams.
We think ‘narrow’ that’s how we are programmed to think – have you ever seen a movie or read a book with wild twists that leaves you thinking ‘why didn’t I see that coming?’ Yes, we are all informed and preached to think white-hands come clean.
You’re hurt and in pain NOT because of your choice or because of the said person but because you were tender. You are wounded by what you THOUGHT and MISUNDERSTOOD as love. It’s not a mistake to be ignorant.
Yes, what’s life without these experiences, though? Those winged-heart days, drenched in ecstasy, bloodied in memories and secrets. When you subscribed wholeheartedly and wanted to stay asleep in the love-mist.
Then comes a day when you get to see the said person’s worth butt-naked, and it leaves you heavy upon your hearts. Time took its time to destroy the sand-constructed home-sweet-home that you built in your mind. You fell apart, scattered into fragments, strained and stained, and curled like the edges of burnt paper.
Life is but a bell-curve that takes its own time to reveal things. From your eyes that were glistening with lust when with the special someone to the same eyes turning red with hatred. Talk about transformation! Freaks us out, right?
But, hey! Why judge yourself with the mistakes and failures? How about something awesome like resurrecting from your ruins? Let me tell you a secret – there’s nothing called ‘love’ it is just ‘getting used to a person’ because we humans are a creature of habits. I firmly believe that nothing goes waste in the cosmos. Every little thing has its purpose, so was your bad experience and the person. U-turns and wrong paths are not a waste of time, and you will never be gone so far from a return. Don’t let the haze envelope your life altogether. Life is big, and it waits for you to make bigger and better mistakes, to learn and move forward, why stay stuck with one? Don’t even call the person as ‘regret’ for they’re not worth it. Keep that pain at an arm’s distance but not the ‘lesson’ that it left you with. Don’t imagine and cloud your mind with ‘all men/women are the same’ and don’t shut yourself entirely from ‘love’ – if all are supposed to be the same, we’d all look alike, don’t you think this universe has its reasons to have blessed us each with different looks, attributes, and capabilities.
Don’t cling and crib about it again and again, for it would lead you into the abyss.
Happened to talk to a friend after a long time. We are friends for over 12 years, and the said person is someone I loved wholeheartedly and was madly possessive about. Days rolled and our priorities have changed, a phone call from the person didn’t quite evoke the same happy-puppy-smile that it once brought. I didn’t use the sweet-secret-pet name to address and was as normal as talking to an airtel customer service.
Does this ever happen to love? Yes, it sure does. I am not talking about getting back to the normal routine after the honeymoon period, but sometimes, the ‘effort’ that the relationship takes goes missing. Maybe, one of you were still throwing in efforts even when the other was not attentive, and eventually, just GAVE UP.
You feel a pang in your heart when he says “I am busy with work!” and your mind thinks about the summer paradise days when he bunked office and rushed to see you with flowers.
She might have had her french exams and didn’t text you good night for several days, and gave you a razor sharp reply when asked. Oh! Boy! There were those days when she used to text you non-stop.
Life has its flagpoles placed at various points that you mature with time, and eventually creates an impenetrable fog that makes you two, emotionally unreachable to each other. Not that you two don’t love each other, or that the love between had died – it can never sink into oblivion, can it?
Sometimes, the love felt during the aftermath of a heated argument leaves one of you to mentally reset that an ‘argument’ should never be a part of the life. Slowly, you get to understand the likes and dislikes of each other, and instead of DEALING with it at the expense of your sanity, either of you chose to IGNORE the contradiction and run the show further.
There’s no tug of war – both of you are holding the ropes and are staring at each other, waiting for the other to pull the rope slightly. The pain point is that you don’t give up because you are affectionate but just for the sake of it, sometimes, one might even feel submissive for that matter.
Can we just deal with it taking one at a time? First, don’t give that impassive look to each other. Stop being inanimate objects at home. Enough being the taut bowstring, and enough letting the terror sink its claws at you guys. Before you even give life to the dying-love, reach out to understand if there’s enough ‘Quiet’ and peace. It can be rusty as hell, and don’t let it go like the sun that slips behind the cloud – remember, it would emerge another day, if not now.
It takes emotional intimacy first rather than any other to rekindle the love. Bring it on! Don’t whip around your issues or what-you/I-did-wrong. Don’t care to give any plausible explanation. More often than not, we tend to claw and rummage at the ‘why’ and ‘how’ and ‘what’ factor but it actually takes a backseat when you want something to work out. Though hard, practice NOT asking questions and TRY not wanting to find answers/reasons. Let go of everything that holds you on, especially, the doubts and insecurities.
There are many crappy links that would preach you to have a couple spa, take a candlelight dinner, and much worse, to perfume and make your bed for some hot sessions – but, trust me, it doesn’t work that way.
Nothing like a time together, a small chit-chat letting go of the ‘ego’ factor and working it out gently, and kindly? It is inexpensive and is sure to work wonders. Let it go, and TALK.
Because last week was Valentine’s day and there were memes circulated that were trashing people who choose to have premarital sex because they like each other. From that, I thought talking about ‘Friends with benefits’ would cover all the related and interlinked taboos.
In India, by all appearances, a perfect life is to get married and have kids – either you fall in love with the person is not a concern, though.
When our biological clock hit the alarming age of 16, one of our ‘wants’ was to just fall in love. It takes a roller coaster of a few years to understand that there’s much more to life. We all give in to the pull of natural attraction and forget that life always – ALWAYS has other plans. Swallowed by the magical madness, consumed by the three-dimensional monster called boyfriend/girlfriend, drowning helplessly down into the vortex, when the wave of emotions walk the red carpet, after all the hot tears that blur your vision – you just decided, not to fall in love, ever again!
Life has its ways to throw people in and out of our lives, and even when you are sure that you don’t want to fall in love – you eventually would ‘like’ or be ‘interested’ in a person whose mind is attractive and who fits in your life so perfectly. You don’t want to shatter your heart again like a little glass figurine that fell by mistake and so, you both decide to stay together with the realities of life and with-less-to-struggle.
I really don’t believe in getting the ‘certificate’ to have sex (IYKWIM), and I believe takes some emotional-mental-physical attraction and connect for it. You know it is not just because you’re desperate for a relationship, but yet, you’re unwilling to go to the distance that it might take.
Whenever one hears a person saying ‘we are friends with benefits,’ they only focus on the ‘benefits,’ and that means only ‘sex’ to them. Apparently, the focus for those in the relationship is being ‘friends’ by all means. If it was only about ‘sex’ – it is either a one-night-stand or a fling but not FWB.
Being ‘friends with benefits’ is about being mindful of one’s wants and needs. The focus is being ‘right there’ for the other without any boundaries or force. Staying strong, and moving forward in life without any ties and strings. It makes life easier for self and the other. You work things out without cognitive dissonance which makes life beautiful for the brief period.
When married, you’ll have to forgive the other no matter what and you’re forced to, for the sake of life. How many of them in this big world live for the sake-of-being-married? Umpteen. You’re obliged to stay with a person in a marriage even if things go wrong unless it is ultimately wrong, to take the next big step. When you’re ‘friends with benefits’ you get to forgive the other person if you want to, you protect the other person wholeheartedly.
To me, ‘Friends with Benefits’ is about two individuals signing up for staying in each other’s life for a brief period and helping the other to grow as a better person. No ties, no strings and no force to stay but still choosing to, isn’t that a beautiful thing?
P.S — Not endorsing it in any way. But, I really want to convey that ‘Friends with Benefits’ is not just about alcohol in tall glasses, chocolate pralines, and shriveled condoms.
All of us had to leave behind a relationship for some reason or the other. I know of friends who had to break-up because one wanted to study further, and I know of families that forced their son/daughter to break-up and get married to a person of their choice, religion or caste issues, misunderstandings, etc…, etc.. Okay, yes! Officially you broke up but. A big BUT.. how do you stop loving the person, though? How do you move on? Let’s talk about it.
Though not ‘Love’ I am indeed nursing myself from parting ways from a friend who misunderstood me recently. No amount of explanation could mend things, Though an author with umpteen friends online, I have a very few to count on. I tried my level best but he was stubborn and continued to accuse, it was polemical. From being the person I talk with every single day, from the one who comes to rescue, from the one whom I cry-out-loud, now, though connected online, we don’t talk anymore. It was hard-hitting, and I went inside-my-shell mode. I was not normal for days.
Most of us deal the ‘breaking-up even when in love for unavoidable reasons’ emotionally. Don’t we all? Especially when we are below 25 years. Though age is just a number, at least the majority is.
First, tell yourself “People leave,” – the number of people who left us either by choice, or because ‘way of life’ right from our childhood is countless. We’ve gone through it all; we can never be in terms with every single person we know. Few are matured enough to strike a balance and respect the differences, but a few are not. She/He might be the haunting dark nights of your soul, and you will experience short-circuit in your brain. And, that’s okay! Don’t throw yourself into the reverberating thoughts and go offbeat, do something different from usual. Make new friends, or indulge in something new or something you are good at. It can as simple as a morning walk or a small leap like learning a new language. That person will always be a precious fragrant flower – don’t force yourself to hate the person, let the person go and hold on to the love. Even if you act like you hate the person, your deepest heart’s truth is that you-love-the-person.
Stop trying to clear the cobwebs in your mind, don’t search for answers in haunting silence. The thoughts of the person would stay there bright like fire in the night sky. Cushion your thoughts and heart. A few disconnected days would prove that the suffering was not worth it, you will be fine, fucking fine. Embrace the memories, let it stay but don’t leave ways to haunt you. It’s okay to have their footprints like a tattoo on your mind. Try not falling into the quicksand called self-hatred, forgive yourself for the attachment you developed.
People are destined to walk into your life and leave when it’s time. Every single thing counts in the cosmos, don’t question “why” it happened. Answer ‘It is over!’ And that you’ve learned your lessons and march forward. Don’t close yourself from the next person who might walk in; you don’t pour all the water you had in your bottle if some spill away. Life is short to experience and learn lessons, sometimes, it comes through people or is people.
Nurse your heart optimistically and just love, wildly! Right now, I picked a book to escape into a new world, what’s your escape plan?