Disclaimer: This is not a movie review, I’ve not read any of the reviews that are already up on the internet (Even those written by my friends), This post is written from the female-protagonist’s POV leafing my personal experiences.
‘I am a ______’ say that now, he said (Fill the dash with the filthiest cuss word that degrades a woman – if you’re a tamilian, you know the word already). For almost 3 hours, he kept repeating – pleading, ordering, forcing, and what not?. I said no, I cried, I said this is not happening. But at the end of the skype call, I did say those words. He smiled because it satisfied his personal ego, pride, and the ‘I am a Man’ attitude. He only wanted to know to what extent I would go to be his. He wanted me to prove that I love him and I would do anything that he says. He sent me a voice text that he is extremely sorry for his behavior when I dozed off. The next day, I received a bunch of roses with a sorry card. —- This scene flashed my mind whenever VC yelled at Leela in the movie.
Ok, “why didn’t you walk out of that relationship?” because the foundation that a man lays for a relationship is strong. The first 10 days – they make you feel like you’re the only beautiful woman ever alive, like they would do just ANYTHING for you. When you foolishly fall for that trap – you’re done. Even if he does a 100 damn things that makes you want to walk out of that relationship, you would hold on to the 10 lovely things that he did to STAY in the relationship. -He woos you totally! His actions & words would say that you’re about to live a happily-ever-after and a fairytale – The first half of the film.
I was 21 – Naive (not really using the age as a trump card but seriously, I was dumb and naive) and I fell for this guy. He swept me off my feet because he came from the other country just to spend 2 hours with me. He presented ‘something-of-high-value’ that I yearned to own, he introduced me as his ‘girl’ to every freaking person. He wrote me 100 mails a day. – First 10 days, and we were done with our ‘dream-wedding-plan’ and the names for our kids. There are people who mean everything that they say. Fortunately, I belonged to that category and unfortunately, he wasn’t. Plot Thickens!
‘Leela just give me one chance leela just one one one chance’ – When VC said this in the movie, I freaked out. I couldn’t hold myself, I took that damn memory lane – I was standing in the other side of the airport’s glass door across him, crying desperately. I could never walk out – he’d always come back and plead. I had to accept, at least, that’s what I thought. Because, MEN can be arrogant, short-tempered, angry, they can use cuss words, they can slap you if things go overboard. But, WOMEN should accept him and smile like nothing happened when he gets back to you. [Not ALL men and Not ALL women, but, narrowing down to this category of people who believe so]
You’re taught not to stay in a sexually abusive relationship. You’re taught not to be with the man who physically abuses you. But, were you taught not be in an emotionally-abusive relationship? I was not. In fact, I didn’t even know that I am being emotionally abused. I picked a few to talk about this — Men are like wine they get better with age, happens! in every relationship, ‘he is like that only,’ said his sister and close friends. When Leela talks-out-loud that VC is not treating her right, that she feels like he crumples her – I wondered, and felt that Leela was at least matured enough to understand that. I wasn’t.
He’d stab me with words and stop me from bleeding, he’d use the ‘most-abusive-word’ that I’ve not spelled in my life but hug me in a minute when I cry. He broke me into pieces and healed me with a single touch.
‘I would love you more than you love me, and I would love you even if you don’t love me’ — This is one dialogue that’s been rephrased and used by umpteen in the world. I’ve heard that too.
We’ve had a few beautiful moments – he fulfilled 3 dreams of mine. But, I ‘PAID’ a lot for it. My dignity, self-respect, my career, my friends..
Remove all the ‘guys’ from your friend-list, he said. ‘Let me deactivate my account,’ I offered. ‘No, my relatives would know that you did so because of me. So, remove all the ‘guys’. – VC shouting at her to remove the cap, scolding her again and again for the silliest reason. Reminded him. Reminded how fucked up my 2012 was. Reminded those days that I held a knife to kill myself.
‘Naan en un kita thirumba thirumba varen’ – (Why am I even coming back to you?) – If a woman can answer this question – she’d be out of the relationship that she’s not supposed to.
In love, it is always emotions over logic. There’s no answer for your ‘why’ – you are not even a victim but a volunteer. You end up picturing your life with him where the world is always decorated with a bunch of roses, you imagine that he fell down from the heaven, you push yourself to live the life with him no matter what. His entry changed your life irrevocably that you don’t even have the guts to go back. He would ensure that you’re always okay after every fight, even if you’re in pain. He wins, every single time.
There’s no ‘break-up’ concept according to the ‘old-school’ me. Our parents, relatives, and friends knew about the relationship so the ‘break-up’ even if I wanted to, was not easy. I had to be responsible, I had to understand him, I thought ‘more-complicated’ is ‘more-healthy’ and I was not sure if he was ‘possessive’ or just another ‘psycho’. When my mother asked why was I crying over the phone, I yelled at her not to over-hear what she’s not supposed to. When my sister confessed that she didn’t like him, I said that I do. When my dad asked if things are fine, I lied that it is the BEST.
I was a ZERO when I walked out of his life. His last few words were ‘You changed me. Now I am the person whom you wanted to live life with. You taught me to be ‘human’ and now, you’re leaving me,’ if I had falled for those words, I wouldn’t be what I am today.
If only #KaatruVeliyidai and #Iraivi had released in 2012 – I would have saved a considerable part of my life.
But you know what? All of us are either Leela or VC – only the proportion varies.
P.S – My experiences are from the stone-age when Tinder and TrulyMadly didn’t exist and my thought-process back then was completely different. My mind was tuned to believe mills and boons, and a few dumb movies that I saw.
Happened to talk to a friend after a long time. We are friends for over 12 years, and the said person is someone I loved wholeheartedly and was madly possessive about. Days rolled and our priorities have changed, a phone call from the person didn’t quite evoke the same happy-puppy-smile that it once brought. I didn’t use the sweet-secret-pet name to address and was as normal as talking to an airtel customer service.
Does this ever happen to love? Yes, it sure does. I am not talking about getting back to the normal routine after the honeymoon period, but sometimes, the ‘effort’ that the relationship takes goes missing. Maybe, one of you were still throwing in efforts even when the other was not attentive, and eventually, just GAVE UP.
You feel a pang in your heart when he says “I am busy with work!” and your mind thinks about the summer paradise days when he bunked office and rushed to see you with flowers.
She might have had her french exams and didn’t text you good night for several days, and gave you a razor sharp reply when asked. Oh! Boy! There were those days when she used to text you non-stop.
Life has its flagpoles placed at various points that you mature with time, and eventually creates an impenetrable fog that makes you two, emotionally unreachable to each other. Not that you two don’t love each other, or that the love between had died – it can never sink into oblivion, can it?
Sometimes, the love felt during the aftermath of a heated argument leaves one of you to mentally reset that an ‘argument’ should never be a part of the life. Slowly, you get to understand the likes and dislikes of each other, and instead of DEALING with it at the expense of your sanity, either of you chose to IGNORE the contradiction and run the show further.
There’s no tug of war – both of you are holding the ropes and are staring at each other, waiting for the other to pull the rope slightly. The pain point is that you don’t give up because you are affectionate but just for the sake of it, sometimes, one might even feel submissive for that matter.
Can we just deal with it taking one at a time? First, don’t give that impassive look to each other. Stop being inanimate objects at home. Enough being the taut bowstring, and enough letting the terror sink its claws at you guys. Before you even give life to the dying-love, reach out to understand if there’s enough ‘Quiet’ and peace. It can be rusty as hell, and don’t let it go like the sun that slips behind the cloud – remember, it would emerge another day, if not now.
It takes emotional intimacy first rather than any other to rekindle the love. Bring it on! Don’t whip around your issues or what-you/I-did-wrong. Don’t care to give any plausible explanation. More often than not, we tend to claw and rummage at the ‘why’ and ‘how’ and ‘what’ factor but it actually takes a backseat when you want something to work out. Though hard, practice NOT asking questions and TRY not wanting to find answers/reasons. Let go of everything that holds you on, especially, the doubts and insecurities.
There are many crappy links that would preach you to have a couple spa, take a candlelight dinner, and much worse, to perfume and make your bed for some hot sessions – but, trust me, it doesn’t work that way.
Nothing like a time together, a small chit-chat letting go of the ‘ego’ factor and working it out gently, and kindly? It is inexpensive and is sure to work wonders. Let it go, and TALK.
I see that you are nodding at the title. I would also like to know if you are complicating a relationship? And, my answer to you – “don’t we all?”
It is 2016, and you’re already introduced to various types of relationships – you’ve probably been/are in one. – Fling, friends with benefits, live-in relationship, sexlationships, etc..
Firstly, why aren’t we all in a steady relationship? — because times have changed. I remember a film of actor Vijay where he chose to stay single because the one he was in love with got married to another (If you know Tamil – you must now be a person who would only laugh at the concept of the film and the song ‘anandam anandam paadum, manam aasayin oonjalil aadum’)
In a way, it is better. Because you would have probably been in a relationship when you turned 20 and decided that you would wear a pink saree for your wedding reception, and you asked him to promise not to shave on your D day, the honeymoon spot, the number of kids, the list of names for girl baby and boy baby. And, poooffffff! You broke-up when you turned 24 years – reality hit. (Am leaving the reasons for you to choose – caste, religion, America Mapilai(groom), whatever… whatever..)
Like Mangatha Ajith would say ‘inime kudikave kudadhu da saamy’ ( I will never drink anymore) — you did say that you will never fall in love anymore, and moved on from the hurt. CCD would probably remind the coffee that you both shared, a nice romantic song would remind how you both were crazy about that song, Sathyam cinemas would remind that ‘tak’ kiss you both had, etc..
You’ve crossed that stage of fatal attraction and infatuation — you’re not the person who would instruct him not to talk to any other girls in the class or you’re not the guy who would burn the girl if her dupatta is not pinned to her kurta. No! Now you’re a liberal. Now you’re a confident person. No more lollipops and heart candies, it is Bournville and snickers. (Yes, you’ve grown!)
Being Indians, most of us are confused with the very concept of each type, and we don’t know the difference. We are now in a stage where you like a person; the person reciprocates – but, you’re afraid that this might fail like your previous. So you enter into it saying let’s see how long it goes. You date, you go out, movies, pub-hopping, end up having sex – you don’t belong to each other, but you do. You want the other person forever, but not really.
I know most of my friends who started off with a different term but ending up falling in love with each other. In ‘Friends-with-benefits’ you probably can date another person – but you don’t because you’ve always been loyal and you feel seeing another is cheating. A one-night-stand is supposed to finish right there, but you end up having coffee the next day.
In most of this other —ships, I see women getting offended. Though consensual, they end up feeling like slut or imagine that the guy thinks you’re one. Probably! It was not both. You can never hold his shirt collars for this. Probably, this might hurt like your failed relationships as yet, but since you didn’t talk much about the wedding preparations and having kids stuff, it saved you. (Not including your daydreams of getting married, ok?)
One thing that we all should be glad about is that the rate of suicides due to love failure (We hardly use that term – I love the fancy ‘breakup’ better) has reduced significantly. The word ‘move on’ is frequently used. Though funny, Trisha illana Nayanthara 🙂 Works right?
We are all done with the scary, dangerous, real pain that a failed relationship would leave us with.
If you find yourself complicating a relationship – it’s okay. Understand that life is bigger and better. You’ve got a lot to do -get settled before you turn 30, get married before you go bald, have kids when you’re fertile and what not?
Try living in the present. It’s okay to walk a mile with a person who can make you smile. Whatever you name it – ensure that the other person cares equally about your well-being and encourages you to reach your goal and aim, who is cherished to share stealing moments with you. Helps you to take your hobbies seriously and rushes to the hospital in the middle of the night if your family member falls ills.
May you end up with the right person for life, till then, live-life-king-size. You deserve love! 🙂