“I need a baby. That’s all I’m asking. I’d lead my whole life taking care of the kid. He can do all that he wants, I wouldn’t care,” she said and terror slammed into me.
The above is one sentence from a 4 hour phone call I had with a woman who is in a married-relationship that’s so wrong and has no way out for various reasons.
I hear something similar from many. Those who are in a relationship that they don’t want but are forced to stay for reasons that one can have no say about. “I need a job, I’ll be happy then. I’ll stay hours together without him and without his thoughts,” said another. “I talk no more 200 words at home. I just hate her! I watch series and read books to while my time,” said a guy-friend of mine who’s separated because divorce is not an option in his family.
This made me realize that people really think that there’s a fix for an unhappy relationship but WHAT fixes is what they’ve got it all wrong. So, here I am, writing in pain, because, this goes to many friends of mine.
Issues in a relationship pile up – one on top of the other, as days go, they create a void that sits at the center of the relationship. It empties you and the other. These issues are like wearing wet socks, none will know but you will suffer, it’s going to hurt you again and again and again in various forms.
Not talking about it doesn’t equate it to becoming vanishingly-small. It’s just going to add more skeletons in your closet.
First – Hey you, stop burying your head in the sand like an ostrich. DEAL WITH IT.
Second – STRIP. Strip the issue for clarity. Talk about the bald facts involved. It could be his family, or lack of sex, or not having personal space, or not letting the other dress the way they like, or kids.
Most importantly, don’t involve other people in your issues – none on Earth ever has the knowledge about your relationship more than you two.
I’m thoroughly against relationships that involve physical abuse, infidelity, and other undeniable issues. I’d rather wish that they part away than stay put. But, when it is not that and when it can be worked upon, all it takes is some efforts.
Two different people who grew up in different environments, culture, and mindset and way of life start traveling together from a said point, and each having expectations of how the other’s past should have been and how the person should act/react/behave from day one is totally insane to me. What’s a relationship if you’re not ready to accept the differences? How can one force a reserved person to change themselves and become an extrovert because MARRIED? – just an example. This is the major issue that I find between couples I know of. Difference of opinions and forcing the other person to change like a clay-made-doll. One phrase for you – suck it up! Don’t expect the other person to change even their Facebook DP, it’s their freaking choice. Compromise would make life better but compromising to an extent where the other completely loses their individuality is insane.
Issue in a relationship is not constipation to take a pill and relax and pray that you’d be fine. Invest a lot of time, stay empathetic and understand what it takes to be the receiver, cherish the differences and give each other the personal space, and to a few men out there, please keep sexism away.
What’s worse than death is a relationship that’s killing a person EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Don’t find a job or have kids so that you can while away from these issues. It is better to face it once for all, fix it properly. Let love be the reason and glue, not kids or financial dependency. Yes, we are all puzzles ourselves and are very intricate to decipher, but I suppose it’s all worth it. The more you procrastinate dealing with it, the more ‘numb’ pills are swallowed by both of you!
When you’re older and when you’re attempting to make sense of the shattered pieces of your life – I wish, REGRET is not the only word that flashes. Take a step towards fixing your relationship, NOW!
Disclaimer: This is not a movie review, I’ve not read any of the reviews that are already up on the internet (Even those written by my friends), This post is written from the female-protagonist’s POV leafing my personal experiences.
‘I am a ______’ say that now, he said (Fill the dash with the filthiest cuss word that degrades a woman – if you’re a tamilian, you know the word already). For almost 3 hours, he kept repeating – pleading, ordering, forcing, and what not?. I said no, I cried, I said this is not happening. But at the end of the skype call, I did say those words. He smiled because it satisfied his personal ego, pride, and the ‘I am a Man’ attitude. He only wanted to know to what extent I would go to be his. He wanted me to prove that I love him and I would do anything that he says. He sent me a voice text that he is extremely sorry for his behavior when I dozed off. The next day, I received a bunch of roses with a sorry card. —- This scene flashed my mind whenever VC yelled at Leela in the movie.
Ok, “why didn’t you walk out of that relationship?” because the foundation that a man lays for a relationship is strong. The first 10 days – they make you feel like you’re the only beautiful woman ever alive, like they would do just ANYTHING for you. When you foolishly fall for that trap – you’re done. Even if he does a 100 damn things that makes you want to walk out of that relationship, you would hold on to the 10 lovely things that he did to STAY in the relationship. -He woos you totally! His actions & words would say that you’re about to live a happily-ever-after and a fairytale – The first half of the film.
I was 21 – Naive (not really using the age as a trump card but seriously, I was dumb and naive) and I fell for this guy. He swept me off my feet because he came from the other country just to spend 2 hours with me. He presented ‘something-of-high-value’ that I yearned to own, he introduced me as his ‘girl’ to every freaking person. He wrote me 100 mails a day. – First 10 days, and we were done with our ‘dream-wedding-plan’ and the names for our kids. There are people who mean everything that they say. Fortunately, I belonged to that category and unfortunately, he wasn’t. Plot Thickens!
‘Leela just give me one chance leela just one one one chance’ – When VC said this in the movie, I freaked out. I couldn’t hold myself, I took that damn memory lane – I was standing in the other side of the airport’s glass door across him, crying desperately. I could never walk out – he’d always come back and plead. I had to accept, at least, that’s what I thought. Because, MEN can be arrogant, short-tempered, angry, they can use cuss words, they can slap you if things go overboard. But, WOMEN should accept him and smile like nothing happened when he gets back to you. [Not ALL men and Not ALL women, but, narrowing down to this category of people who believe so]
You’re taught not to stay in a sexually abusive relationship. You’re taught not to be with the man who physically abuses you. But, were you taught not be in an emotionally-abusive relationship? I was not. In fact, I didn’t even know that I am being emotionally abused. I picked a few to talk about this — Men are like wine they get better with age, happens! in every relationship, ‘he is like that only,’ said his sister and close friends. When Leela talks-out-loud that VC is not treating her right, that she feels like he crumples her – I wondered, and felt that Leela was at least matured enough to understand that. I wasn’t.
He’d stab me with words and stop me from bleeding, he’d use the ‘most-abusive-word’ that I’ve not spelled in my life but hug me in a minute when I cry. He broke me into pieces and healed me with a single touch.
‘I would love you more than you love me, and I would love you even if you don’t love me’ — This is one dialogue that’s been rephrased and used by umpteen in the world. I’ve heard that too.
We’ve had a few beautiful moments – he fulfilled 3 dreams of mine. But, I ‘PAID’ a lot for it. My dignity, self-respect, my career, my friends..
Remove all the ‘guys’ from your friend-list, he said. ‘Let me deactivate my account,’ I offered. ‘No, my relatives would know that you did so because of me. So, remove all the ‘guys’. – VC shouting at her to remove the cap, scolding her again and again for the silliest reason. Reminded him. Reminded how fucked up my 2012 was. Reminded those days that I held a knife to kill myself.
‘Naan en un kita thirumba thirumba varen’ – (Why am I even coming back to you?) – If a woman can answer this question – she’d be out of the relationship that she’s not supposed to.
In love, it is always emotions over logic. There’s no answer for your ‘why’ – you are not even a victim but a volunteer. You end up picturing your life with him where the world is always decorated with a bunch of roses, you imagine that he fell down from the heaven, you push yourself to live the life with him no matter what. His entry changed your life irrevocably that you don’t even have the guts to go back. He would ensure that you’re always okay after every fight, even if you’re in pain. He wins, every single time.
There’s no ‘break-up’ concept according to the ‘old-school’ me. Our parents, relatives, and friends knew about the relationship so the ‘break-up’ even if I wanted to, was not easy. I had to be responsible, I had to understand him, I thought ‘more-complicated’ is ‘more-healthy’ and I was not sure if he was ‘possessive’ or just another ‘psycho’. When my mother asked why was I crying over the phone, I yelled at her not to over-hear what she’s not supposed to. When my sister confessed that she didn’t like him, I said that I do. When my dad asked if things are fine, I lied that it is the BEST.
I was a ZERO when I walked out of his life. His last few words were ‘You changed me. Now I am the person whom you wanted to live life with. You taught me to be ‘human’ and now, you’re leaving me,’ if I had falled for those words, I wouldn’t be what I am today.
If only #KaatruVeliyidai and #Iraivi had released in 2012 – I would have saved a considerable part of my life.
But you know what? All of us are either Leela or VC – only the proportion varies.
P.S – My experiences are from the stone-age when Tinder and TrulyMadly didn’t exist and my thought-process back then was completely different. My mind was tuned to believe mills and boons, and a few dumb movies that I saw.
Happened to talk to a friend after a long time. We are friends for over 12 years, and the said person is someone I loved wholeheartedly and was madly possessive about. Days rolled and our priorities have changed, a phone call from the person didn’t quite evoke the same happy-puppy-smile that it once brought. I didn’t use the sweet-secret-pet name to address and was as normal as talking to an airtel customer service.
Does this ever happen to love? Yes, it sure does. I am not talking about getting back to the normal routine after the honeymoon period, but sometimes, the ‘effort’ that the relationship takes goes missing. Maybe, one of you were still throwing in efforts even when the other was not attentive, and eventually, just GAVE UP.
You feel a pang in your heart when he says “I am busy with work!” and your mind thinks about the summer paradise days when he bunked office and rushed to see you with flowers.
She might have had her french exams and didn’t text you good night for several days, and gave you a razor sharp reply when asked. Oh! Boy! There were those days when she used to text you non-stop.
Life has its flagpoles placed at various points that you mature with time, and eventually creates an impenetrable fog that makes you two, emotionally unreachable to each other. Not that you two don’t love each other, or that the love between had died – it can never sink into oblivion, can it?
Sometimes, the love felt during the aftermath of a heated argument leaves one of you to mentally reset that an ‘argument’ should never be a part of the life. Slowly, you get to understand the likes and dislikes of each other, and instead of DEALING with it at the expense of your sanity, either of you chose to IGNORE the contradiction and run the show further.
There’s no tug of war – both of you are holding the ropes and are staring at each other, waiting for the other to pull the rope slightly. The pain point is that you don’t give up because you are affectionate but just for the sake of it, sometimes, one might even feel submissive for that matter.
Can we just deal with it taking one at a time? First, don’t give that impassive look to each other. Stop being inanimate objects at home. Enough being the taut bowstring, and enough letting the terror sink its claws at you guys. Before you even give life to the dying-love, reach out to understand if there’s enough ‘Quiet’ and peace. It can be rusty as hell, and don’t let it go like the sun that slips behind the cloud – remember, it would emerge another day, if not now.
It takes emotional intimacy first rather than any other to rekindle the love. Bring it on! Don’t whip around your issues or what-you/I-did-wrong. Don’t care to give any plausible explanation. More often than not, we tend to claw and rummage at the ‘why’ and ‘how’ and ‘what’ factor but it actually takes a backseat when you want something to work out. Though hard, practice NOT asking questions and TRY not wanting to find answers/reasons. Let go of everything that holds you on, especially, the doubts and insecurities.
There are many crappy links that would preach you to have a couple spa, take a candlelight dinner, and much worse, to perfume and make your bed for some hot sessions – but, trust me, it doesn’t work that way.
Nothing like a time together, a small chit-chat letting go of the ‘ego’ factor and working it out gently, and kindly? It is inexpensive and is sure to work wonders. Let it go, and TALK.
Another tiring day and it was 8:30 PM when Katyayani reached home. A beautiful wedding card on her table, “Vishnupriya weds Raghuvaran,”
“Wow!” she exclaimed. “The whole family was here hours back. They felt really bad that we didn’t make it to the engagement. I guess we should go for the wedding!” ma said. “Hmmm, even I want to, been 3 years since I met all our relatives ma,” Katya smiled.
“Katya, get ready, I am booking an ola cab by 4:00 PM,” said her sister.
She picked the beige color designer salwar with zari and sequins, “Looks a bit grand, what will people say? Been just a year since divorce and she is dressing like a queen? Maybe,” she thought and left it aside, and picked a simple green salwar, “What if they give a ‘my God – poor girl’ look?” she contemplated.
The main entrance of the reception reminded her wedding. The minute they entered, many a relatives flocked. “Katya akka,” cheered her uncle’s twin daughters. They spoke to her like things were so normal but she knew they were taught to, to make her comfortable. Thanks Uncle.
A few stares, a few so-sad-looks, a few is-that-her gaze – blindingly obvious. The music, the crowd, the flowers, the family circle, the stage – everything reminded her expensive mistake. That wilted rose of a day where she understood waiting more would only burn her to death and walked out of a relationship for her own good.
“How are you Katya? You have kids?” asked the distant relative who knows nothing about what-happened. “No, I don’t have kids,” she told. “How is your husband? He is in Oman right?” The questions lined up. She had to maintain the codswallop story. Lie after lie after lie.
Tear prickled in her eyes, and her mind offered picture after picture from her own marriage and reception. She went glassy-eyed. Turning to look at her father sitting at the farthest corner, “Am sorry dad,” she murmured.
“What plans for Katya?” the first circle of close relatives started asking him. They mellowed and whispered. She could hear them in the crowd like the end of a cigarette glow in the dark. She raged at God, and cursed those people through her eyes.
She saw her other cousin walking inside with her husband and her kid. “That’s my niece, I didn’t visit my own niece since birth due to obvious reasons,” she thought and rushed to pick the sweet cherry. It was pricklier than she had intended. Her cousin interlocked her fingers and leaned to convey that she cares.
“Dad, are you alright?” she wanted to ask. Looking at that man who was draped in silk dhoti 2 years back, rushing from one corner of the stage to another, smiling happily, thanking every person who attended the reception. “What a waste of time, money and energy. Her mind was shielded with thoughts. Every little thing rubbed her in the wrong way.
“Check her horoscope,” said one. “Visit Rameshwaram, Kasi and Kanchipuram – do all the important poojas, she will be fine,” said another. “Let me check if any of our other distant relatives are divorced or what, let’s get her married off,” mumbled another. “Should have properly hired some detective agent to check the guy, no?” one asked curiously.
“Dad, why is this happening to us? Who are they? Why are they so concerned about all this now? Ask them to shut up, please,” her eye begged at him. He was calm, answering each of them politely, while many equated it to ‘he-is-ashamed’
P.S – This post is dedicated to the one who is utterly close and special to me. The emotions are applicable to both the genders, and not just to those who are divorced – even for those who are separated, widow(er), in a complicated relationship, etc..
I don’t want to give a big gyan. A person is just beyond their relationship status. Not all married are living ‘happily ever after’ and not all unmarried are ‘forever lonely’
It takes courage, self-respect and a few more attributes to walk out of a relationship that is not working.
Though the World is far advanced, when it comes to living an ideal life in India – people still stick to ‘college-work-own housing-own car-marriage-kids’ but life apparently never works the same way. If you’re living such life well and good, we appreciate but those who had to go through hard phase are only stronger according to me.