Being a writer, I have my profile marked public with count of friends and followers summing a few thousands. Nevertheless, my walls are confined enough when it comes to friendship. I hardly have a handful of friends, and so as usual, one such ‘follower’ pinged and a conversation kick started. It went on and on at a point, where we shared our numbers. The conversation continued and after a few days he confessed that it was more than just ‘writing’ that attracted. ‘We don’t know each other much’ was all that I could reply at that point. So, then started the phone conversation.
*Sexism – yes! I would like to be a sexist in this post, for once!*
“Are you a Virgin,” he asked. Before I could answer, he continued “The other day I saw that you were tagged in a resto bar check-in, so obviously, you must have DONE that.”
“Oh!” I replied.
I tried deciphering the equation in his mind. I pondered more, I asked his thoughts and then yeah, it was
A girl who Smokes (and) (or) Drinks = Not a Virgin = Can be tagged a bitch or a slut as per one’s favourite word.
His questions didn’t stop there. “You were in any relationship before?” he shot the next. Maybe, he wants to figure out whom I slept with. “Yes!” I replied. “How many so far?” the next shot.
“What the F is wrong with you? Why are you asking all this?” I raised my voice.
“Just wanted to know!” he mellowed and I cut the call.
This is not something new. In fact, a trend right now. When one replies “Yes! Am a virgin,” there comes a tag called ‘WASTE’ I don’t see any difference between those who save themselves for marriage and those who don’t. To me, one’s sexual activity has nothing at all to do with their character. So is drinking, smoking or drugs. Aren’t we grown up yet to tag this as a big deal? Why these concerns?
It was hard to convince a friend who was about to marry a girl who confessed she has not saved her for marriage. ‘What if she had not told you? What one does before you have nothing to do with the life ahead,’ I blasted him, yet, he deliberately cancelled the wedding.
There are similar situations regardless of the gender. Are we all so small to define one based on their choice of having sex before marriage or sex when not in a committed relationship? Aren’t we all something better? Aren’t we humans who have virtues, career, passion, and love lined up.
A friend of mine was tortured for not bleeding at her wedding night. Other friend was pestered with questions whether she had kissed any or tried second or third base with any. Why is sex a big deal? Are you someone who slept tight during 1947 and woke up by 2016? Didn’t you grow up?
Why is the classification based on this? Why are a few so obsessed about this term ‘virginity’ I even find it funny when someone calls it ‘Losing Virginity’ where you actually don’t lose anything at all. Sex for a few needs emotional connects and for a few it has nothing to do with emotions, it is just their body’s need – well, it is equally right.
Now that I have crossed 26 years, I have a handful of girls as friends, and more than that count of guys as friends. Guy who are open enough to talk about it, who are aloof enough to accept the changes, and who are level headed to see a spade a spade are always those who gain my respect. I remember a friend of mine bluntly said the other male “Virginity is not gonna get yo even a kg of onions bro! Grow up!”
For those who still try to box and classify woman into two categories “The all the more homely who never smokes or drinks or had sex before as marriage as pious” and the opposite as a “Bad Ass” – Deep Sigh! God bless!
This post is for the contest at the Chennai bloggers club for the theme “I struggled, but I overcame” as most of you would have read my PTSD post, I didn’t want to get deep with such cry-baby-cry post again. So, this post is about an art that I mastered of late “Letting GO” oh yeah!
Nevertheless, I was a – yes, you read it right, “WAS” an old-school-type that gets attached, instantly with the other and give a damn about every little thing related to the other person. Of late, when I wanted to make new friends – I joined a group of 12 others who claimed to be foodies that together try different restaurants in Chennai and go Dutch with the bill. As I saw various cultures and different mindsets when I lived abroad where even the question “had lunch?” is considered personal and intervening in their personal space, I pretty much know as a person who belongs to Chennai – one would not just stop being a foodie friend who shares the bill. It stretched to family visits, going out together for movies, celebrating birthdays, celebrating wedding anniversaries, and most of all calling each other “Brother” or “Sister” to strengthen the bond of relationship that exists.
Soon, like in a few months – The group went bonkers and had to totally block each other and move on with life.
This was difficult as I had a best friend, a younger brother that I earned, my love interest, and a best buddy who brings out the best in me type in the group. Trust was broken and whatever, the next step was to heal myself from all four-at-once hit. Unlike family, no-one bothers to maintain your secrets, none would be really interested in your growth, you turn their gossip material when they meet each other without you. To learn all this was a sheer pain! But, yes! The relationship or whatever was not worth keeping, or saving. I had to make a better decision to let go of the pain, to let go of the memories, It was the worst challenge for me. To drop down the baggages and make space for new and great things in life. To keep off and stay at a safe distance from anyone that walks in my way. It proved that this is how you should live your life, manage the pain, the triumphs, and the loses. To shed away the layers on you, to burn away the bags and watch them turn into ashes.
I drew a line, a big fat line that allows none inside. I was afraid to connect emotionally, because I was sure that I would get hurt again. From then on, I was sure that every damn relationship comes with an expiry date and that every place in Chennai would remind me the painful memories. You know when you laugh a day with your loved one(s) – I anticipate a day that I would think of it and cry like a kitty. But I didn’t want to be that coward anymore. I wanted to kick that fear and give a damn about relationships.
I stopped Running Away from Pain – I stood right there! Getting drenched, getting that pain infuse, letting it eat me up and finally, letting it go with a smile. I am now of a type to say NO on face, I know those who are right now in my life would never be in the next 5 years, I can shut them right away if they go overboard or sometimes I choose to play, I am passive aggressive!
Stop loving people – instead love books, fall in love with a sport, an activity, take time to live with yourself more than anything else.
I spend hours with books these days. I go for a walk – do the mild jogging – run early in the morning and I love to drive post workout, I started baking as a hobby and am getting better with every dish.
I have given up on most people who meant much to me. Now I am at peace with the emptiness. I can fall in love and fall out of love with the same zest. Not being vulnerable, not getting hurt! Talking on one’s face about one is much better than backbiting ain’t?
Being content with oneself is more important than being in a gang of people where you never know who likes you or not, who talks what about you to the other, and most of all, not feeling “You” there!
I struggled to fit in, but I overcame that concept raising a toast to myself for staying out of it! I overcame people!
A few days back, I had an issue with a guy and this blew out of proportion on Facebook and twitter. Then after, I was normal and had a good weekend. All of a sudden today morning, I woke up with 68 missed calls and I started wondering who are these trying to reach me, and then I opened “Whatsapp” to see porn images and videos shared by few numbers, and just plain ‘Hi’ from certain numbers.
It hit me on my head – I was able to outline why this is happening connecting the dots. I first called a friend with whom I commute most of the day and informed him with tears. He convinced me to calm down and promised to meet me in an hour.
He picked a few calls, most of them ran away hearing a male voice. One, just one answered him. My friend convinced him first that his identity will not be disclosed, and politely asked him how he received my number. He told he got it through a website – peperonity.
Peperonity – A porn website, where it gives you chat facility with an unknown to talk fetish. Looks like this guy whom I suspect initiates a chat with every possible guy and gives my number to talk.
I never knew such website exists, and oh boy, I didn’t expect so many guys use this site to talk. I ignored calls, I deleted WhatsApp and was about to change my number. Only thing that hit me hard – If I change my number, the guy behind the whole scene would win.
What did I learn?
People on Facebook – will like/Comment/Share at extreme cases and move on. You will suffer. So don’t take anything to Facebook at any cost
Friends – Few were kidding for instantly turning famous all of a sudden, oh whoa fan base, they said – I am much more angrier on these fellas than the guy who did
Cyber complaint they said, How to move forward – none said
I then thought, who are these guys calling me? – Creepy idiots whose dick hardens when they are in crowded buses. Guys who are sex starving. What will they do to the extreme? – I picked the calls and said “My number is misused, I have complained to the cyber cell”
Few didn’t understand ‘cyber’ so I replaced with the term “Police”
Few cut the call right away
Few were generous enough to Sorry
One guy was extremely generous stating, If I can be of any help please tell me – I said him to reply back to the guy who chats “Karma is a bitch, it will fuck you”
My key take away list:
Complains to cyber cell online – is a myth, it doesn’t work at all.
If you want to complaint you will have to reach “Commissioner office” located at Vepery with all the evidences and proofs
I had to refrain because my father is against and my few real friends didn’t allow me to take this up on my sleeve
I FILTERED FRIENDS – the replies of “Oh”, “Oh My God”, “Let me know what happened then”, “Are you still getting calls” – Guys! I tell you, why on Earth did I even meet you folks and befriended.
One guy – surfed through and literally kept fishing for the details – Lots of Love, Thank you!
Another colleague – Tried to make it a fun event for his gang to burst out laughing, I stayed quiet and with what my face express the gang was able to make out and chose not to laugh. – Lots of Love, again! Will I get another chance to understand you better ?
My close friend (?) – “You blow things out of proportion and now, am afraid of you. I am running away from you, I don’t want to talk anymore” – God Bless You.
Like those who say the woman’s dress was the reason behind the rape; many pointed me for being aggressive (?) on Facebook. – Slowwww claps and a big THANK YOU!
Again! – be it salis or any other who did such a nasty act – KARMA IS A BITCH; YOU’LL BE FUCKED.