“I need a baby. That’s all I’m asking. I’d lead my whole life taking care of the kid. He can do all that he wants, I wouldn’t care,” she said and terror slammed into me.
The above is one sentence from a 4 hour phone call I had with a woman who is in a married-relationship that’s so wrong and has no way out for various reasons.
I hear something similar from many. Those who are in a relationship that they don’t want but are forced to stay for reasons that one can have no say about. “I need a job, I’ll be happy then. I’ll stay hours together without him and without his thoughts,” said another. “I talk no more 200 words at home. I just hate her! I watch series and read books to while my time,” said a guy-friend of mine who’s separated because divorce is not an option in his family.
This made me realize that people really think that there’s a fix for an unhappy relationship but WHAT fixes is what they’ve got it all wrong. So, here I am, writing in pain, because, this goes to many friends of mine.
Issues in a relationship pile up – one on top of the other, as days go, they create a void that sits at the center of the relationship. It empties you and the other. These issues are like wearing wet socks, none will know but you will suffer, it’s going to hurt you again and again and again in various forms.
Not talking about it doesn’t equate it to becoming vanishingly-small. It’s just going to add more skeletons in your closet.
First – Hey you, stop burying your head in the sand like an ostrich. DEAL WITH IT.
Second – STRIP. Strip the issue for clarity. Talk about the bald facts involved. It could be his family, or lack of sex, or not having personal space, or not letting the other dress the way they like, or kids.
Most importantly, don’t involve other people in your issues – none on Earth ever has the knowledge about your relationship more than you two.
I’m thoroughly against relationships that involve physical abuse, infidelity, and other undeniable issues. I’d rather wish that they part away than stay put. But, when it is not that and when it can be worked upon, all it takes is some efforts.
Two different people who grew up in different environments, culture, and mindset and way of life start traveling together from a said point, and each having expectations of how the other’s past should have been and how the person should act/react/behave from day one is totally insane to me. What’s a relationship if you’re not ready to accept the differences? How can one force a reserved person to change themselves and become an extrovert because MARRIED? – just an example. This is the major issue that I find between couples I know of. Difference of opinions and forcing the other person to change like a clay-made-doll. One phrase for you – suck it up! Don’t expect the other person to change even their Facebook DP, it’s their freaking choice. Compromise would make life better but compromising to an extent where the other completely loses their individuality is insane.
Issue in a relationship is not constipation to take a pill and relax and pray that you’d be fine. Invest a lot of time, stay empathetic and understand what it takes to be the receiver, cherish the differences and give each other the personal space, and to a few men out there, please keep sexism away.
What’s worse than death is a relationship that’s killing a person EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Don’t find a job or have kids so that you can while away from these issues. It is better to face it once for all, fix it properly. Let love be the reason and glue, not kids or financial dependency. Yes, we are all puzzles ourselves and are very intricate to decipher, but I suppose it’s all worth it. The more you procrastinate dealing with it, the more ‘numb’ pills are swallowed by both of you!
When you’re older and when you’re attempting to make sense of the shattered pieces of your life – I wish, REGRET is not the only word that flashes. Take a step towards fixing your relationship, NOW!
*An imaginary conversation between those who were raped in India and killed/committed suicide/died as the treatment at the hospital didn’t save them*
“I was traveling alone in the night with just one friend in a private bus. Maybe, it was my mistake,” Jyoti Singh (Nirbhaya) kick-started the conversation.
“Yeah, I was so stupid to visit the Shakti Mills, Man. I shouldn’t have. Damn!” added the one sitting next to her, caressing her shoulders.
“Maybe the soft plumpness of my breasts or the scarlet lipstick provoked them to do,” Jyoti Singh said.
“My sister was a child, she was yet to develop full-grown breasts, and we’ve both had no opportunity to touch lipsticks, but was still raped and hanged,” said the 14 and 16-year-old sisters wiping away their tears.
“Hahahaha, I was 71 when I was raped.” the grandma rolled her eyes. “I was nothing. I was not beautiful. No lipsticks, hair color or whatever you young chicks do,”
“I was wearing a burkha, dude. My face was also covered. I’m not sure what provoked them,” fumed the lady.
“I’m an American. I was raped in your country.” One said, with a tight fake frown. “They’d rape any woman, no matter what!”
“Well, I was a newborn when I was raped,” said the child. “They just want a hole, apparently!”
“True that. I was raped and killed too,” said the guy and took a deep breath.
“I am neither a woman nor a man – transgender, but, you know what happens to us, right?” sighed, the other.
Why would you want to disperse the blame between the rapist and the victim?
Why is the heart inside your chest so completely numb?
The way she/he left the world – is a shame to you, me and the society.
And, you think by discussing the victim’s clothes, you’d uncover a great grand mystery?
A human with flesh, soul, and a purpose to live was forced to breathe their last.
How can you see a motionless body and find reasons to blame the soul that was residing in it?
What’s interesting in the search for a blemish of imperfection on the deceased?
Your curiosity hits a new high whenever a new rape case clouds the television screen – To what the dead owe this shame?
For you, a person raped is just another Facebook update or a tweet.
You’d share another funny meme in an hour, order a deep dish pizza, and grab a cold beer.
While her family’s eyes are growing heavy with your comments and they struggle to blink away that pain.
There can be only one reason for ‘rape’ – Mentality of the person committing the crime.
Stop blaming the victim.
Stop dispersing the blame.
— Kavipriya Moorthy
I always pick souvenirs wherever I travel and most of them would probably be handmade. There’s a desi touch in handmade stuff, and that makes my souvenirs adorable and is always remembered. I’ve always wondered what are the specific handmade items that I’d find in places that I’ve not visited as yet. I always wanted to get them. And, BAM! Stumbled upon http://directcreate.com/ and I’m loving the website.
The website has details that are more than transparent – it brings together those who make handmade products, the designers, mediating collaborators and last but not least – most of us who love to spend our money on products that makes our soul happy, the buyers.
How amazing is that to find who made the product that you’re about to own? I was really thrilled about the very idea!
I should confess that I loved their blog – http://blog.directcreate.com/ more than the shopping experience, and seriously, the site gave me travel goals.
There are a lot of products that you can buy from them – a clean website categorized accordingly. Browse through https://shop.directcreate.com/lifestyle/decor and give a makeover to your lifestyle and home. There are so many products for Men, Women and indoor items. And, the best part yet? The products are absolutely good in quality and the price, so pocket friendly.
I received a beautiful notebook (blame the notebook fetish in me) – I so love the matte finish cover that’s neither hard bound nor softbound – it is so good that I keep staring at it. I also received a cute little multipurpose box and a pencil that I love. Here’s a picture of it.
So, visit the website, buy your favorite and leave a comment on what you purchased and how’d you liked it.
Blood trickled between my legs,
‘She’s ready for marriage,’ announced my mother.
I was married, within a few months,
She pulled me by my arms,
‘Do whatever he wants you to do, never say no, let him do anything, you just be quiet, alright?’ said my mom.
She claimed that it’s sex education.
And, there, he entered,
His lust filled zombie eyes gazed down at me,
He pushed me on to the bed,
Ripped me off my clothes,
He stood, rubbing himself,
He threw sloppy kisses all over my face,
A scream started to rise in my chest,
It erupted as a strangled gasp,
But, my mother’s words ‘Never shout or scream,’
Kept me from yelling loud,
His thighs against my open legs,
I squirmed beneath his still hips,
His hand squeezing my left breast,
His teeth biting my nipples,
He thrust hard into me,
Again and again and again,
I could feel nothing but pain, Unbearable pain.
How do I communicate this pain? I’m informed not to,
They’d call this ‘privacy’ to even discuss,
They’d undermine my hurt,
A flood of tears fell from my eyes,
He was done,
He rolled over next to me,
He didn’t care to look at my face.
I took a breath,
I grip the edges of the bed,
Gather myself to get up,
A sharp pain shoots up all over me,
Blood trickled between my legs.
— Kavipriya Moorthy
Being a writer is about ‘typing’ a lot but still we use a ‘pen’ to denote the ‘writer’ in a person. As a writer myself, I yearn to own stationery stuff. I love post-its, pens, notebooks that are cute, and journals. So, I somehow stumbled upon this brand new website – http://www.matrikas.co.in/
A website that felt so ‘ethnic’ at first sight. I found the red journal with a feather denoting a ‘writer’ and this journal is so far one of the best. I don’t usually write on beautiful journals, I just keep them and admire. This journal’s title itself is ‘write’ and so I penned down my recent micro-fiction on it. It is a hardcover journal with a few adult-coloring pages between pages to keep you stress free and also, a few sheets of stickers that one could use to make their journaling experience interesting.
I love the quality of the journal. More than enough pages, a hardcover bound, an elastic that prevents dog-ears or other usual slight damages that could happen to a notebook.
You can find more details about them on their website, and other social networking sites. Their products are also available on amazon.
Check them out, choose a diary/journal and leave a comment about it.
This question, though, is pretty tricky. And, the answer to this question depends on a few factors that are not in our control. One important element – HUMAN’s MIND.
See, let’s admit that all of us have some guilty secrets, a past that shaped us, something dark and gloomy et al. We are in an era where moving on is not an option anymore, it is a necessity.
We get into relationships that are convenient for the time being. We all need somebody to lean on! We are all in a ‘something’ that falls under the big fat umbrella called ‘relationship, ’ and we do shit that we think we want to do.
So, when we move on and get into an authentic or official relationship/marriage – there comes a one-on-one discussion to blurt out and confess. Wait up!
To confess a guilty pleasure – I just love the honeymoon period in a new relationship. A new found love comes wrapped in a velvet paper and big red bows, and some gourmet chocolates that we all love to indulge.
But, in most relationships, people think that opening up and sharing about your past is the best and people do. To me, THIS IS WRONG. In a relationship, what matters is what happens from the day one of the said person’s entry, whatever happened ‘before’ them has nothing to do with what’s coming up. But, people do the so-called beer talking and confess shit. And, the result, the said person MIGHT bring up the topic to hit you at the hardest of the times to hurt. The world is filled with a few jackasses and shit who’ll never be the same. You might feel a lot lighter after the confession, but the receiver might not feel the same. To a few, talking about their past is like chewing the tip of the pen, they’re addicted. Don’t don’t that and don’t be that.
The past is like a twilight sky that throws iridescent shades – it shows different color from different angles, and that’s the trickiest part. You’ll never know what shade his/her bespectacled eyes would choose to see. Who’ll know the deeper mind of a person?
Well, he/she might probably throw their arms around you, hand at the small of your back, circling lower. But, baby, the aftermath? – Apocalypse. My advice – keep your lips sealed. Your new relationship/marriage has nothing to do with ‘what your raging hormones did’ at all.
What probably happens when you share each other’s past?
It lingers in the mind forever and self-doubt’s like Is she/he in love with the ex yet, was she/he good in bed than I am now, is she/he in touch with em, etc.. would bug now and then
Or, if you get to sort out the above self-doubts – you both would still keep the ‘ex’ in your conversations.
The other (if he/she is a bit of a piece of shit) might bring up your past to use it against you
I can keep adding more points to the above.
If you come back at me stating “Sharing the past builds trust” – my pumpkin pie, you’ll have to get yourself a self-check — what ‘trust’ means to you and how you define it.
You’ll never have to feel guilty about not sharing your past. It is over. It totally is.
Whatever you had gone through had made you the person who you are now, and if the significant half cannot accept the whole-new-you, reconsider!
To quote Chanakya’s (I read long back, and I don’t remember the same word by word) — Once you share your secrets/past with someone, you become their slave. This applies to friends too. Even if you’ve moved on, those with whom you shared it will never – they’d bring the topic, time and again, unless you burst out like a volcano asking em to shut the fuck up.
Sharing your past might feel like emptying it all and pulling of the light, but, you’d always find a silhouette staring at you. There’ll be a shadow that tugs at you.
What matters is what happens after the official ‘To be your lawful, wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold in sickness and health, for better or for worse, till death do you part.’
I wouldn’t deny the fact that many live happily-ever-after starting fresh because they shared their share of past and felt a lot better. But, with what I’ve observed around, I guess it is not a good idea. Think before you talk!
Why be half-girlfriend? Why not the THE girlfriend? Because, when we met, both of us had a bitter past that hurt us to the very marrow of the bones. In fact, that sparked a beautiful friendship between us. We spent our days talking about our fucked-up-past, and in the course, we sensed that talking to each other was healing. We realized that talking about our respective past-memories that we’d rather not helped us to move on. We entered each other’s life when we were working hard to push people away.
From the initial “it is nice to have someone to talk to” it slowly progressed to “feeling like a fairy” with him around. That left us both unsettled, and nervous. We were frightened of failing, all over again. We sensed the ‘elephant in the room’ and a ‘truth or dare’ over a WhatsApp chat cleared inhibitions. So, apparently, I was experiencing the ‘emotion’ that I didn’t want to for some time, a smidgen of happiness, and walk down the chocolate aisle.
Do we like each other? YES
Are we over our past, yet? NO
Can we be friends? We’re more than that
So what do we do? – Go with the flow
Probably every relationship goes through this ‘let’s go with the flow’ phase. That being said, it’s what being half-girlfriend is.
What was the best part of the relationship? – Heard of this statement that says ‘you need some distance to read a book, you can’t hold it close and complaint the hindrance,’ that exactly is the best part. We had this beautiful short-distance that left ‘being-possessive’ out of our plate. We promised to stay dedicated in helping each other to ‘grow’ as a better person. Also, we kept this between us and said ‘no’ to the inquiries that questioned our relationship. Because we were done with the gyans and pieces of advice from people around. And most importantly, we thought, we’re better off without that ‘I-told-you-so’ smile from folks when we part ways.
His presence sent fresh blood seeping through my veins. I was happy. Really, really Happy with a capital H. I had no inhibitions, I was comfortable with him as I would be in my messy hair bun and patterned pajamas. I was glad because I was ‘ME’ with him and he didn’t judge me, whatsoever. And, of course, vice versa. Soon, our past memories and stories did really become a part of the past itself, and we had no inclination to talk about it. We focused on the ‘present, ’ and we had each other in it.
Having done with ‘invading one’s space,’ being emotionally dependent, and facing behavioral problems, this short-term half-girlfriend relationship was way better, and I did sense growing better as a person. So did he. Of course, In life, we cannot have all that we want. Reality and realization taught that we are into something that we can’t afford, though. Life takes us to places we don’t have the slightest clue. We HAD to part away, and we did as friends.
But, with people around and friends who are not-happily-married and falling-out-of-love quite often, we felt that parting when we are all in love is much better. Though it was brief, we are better people now because of each other.
Being half-girlfriend means, you will always be in love with that person and smile whenever you think of the other. There’s no ‘falling out of love’ 🙂
Being ‘Leela’ – Kaatru Veliyidai
Disclaimer: This is not a movie review, I’ve not read any of the reviews that are already up on the internet (Even those written by my friends), This post is written from the female-protagonist’s POV leafing my personal experiences.
‘I am a ______’ say that now, he said (Fill the dash with the filthiest cuss word that degrades a woman – if you’re a tamilian, you know the word already). For almost 3 hours, he kept repeating – pleading, ordering, forcing, and what not?. I said no, I cried, I said this is not happening. But at the end of the skype call, I did say those words. He smiled because it satisfied his personal ego, pride, and the ‘I am a Man’ attitude. He only wanted to know to what extent I would go to be his. He wanted me to prove that I love him and I would do anything that he says. He sent me a voice text that he is extremely sorry for his behavior when I dozed off. The next day, I received a bunch of roses with a sorry card. —- This scene flashed my mind whenever VC yelled at Leela in the movie.
Ok, “why didn’t you walk out of that relationship?” because the foundation that a man lays for a relationship is strong. The first 10 days – they make you feel like you’re the only beautiful woman ever alive, like they would do just ANYTHING for you. When you foolishly fall for that trap – you’re done. Even if he does a 100 damn things that makes you want to walk out of that relationship, you would hold on to the 10 lovely things that he did to STAY in the relationship. -He woos you totally! His actions & words would say that you’re about to live a happily-ever-after and a fairytale – The first half of the film.
I was 21 – Naive (not really using the age as a trump card but seriously, I was dumb and naive) and I fell for this guy. He swept me off my feet because he came from the other country just to spend 2 hours with me. He presented ‘something-of-high-value’ that I yearned to own, he introduced me as his ‘girl’ to every freaking person. He wrote me 100 mails a day. – First 10 days, and we were done with our ‘dream-wedding-plan’ and the names for our kids. There are people who mean everything that they say. Fortunately, I belonged to that category and unfortunately, he wasn’t. Plot Thickens!
‘Leela just give me one chance leela just one one one chance’ – When VC said this in the movie, I freaked out. I couldn’t hold myself, I took that damn memory lane – I was standing in the other side of the airport’s glass door across him, crying desperately. I could never walk out – he’d always come back and plead. I had to accept, at least, that’s what I thought. Because, MEN can be arrogant, short-tempered, angry, they can use cuss words, they can slap you if things go overboard. But, WOMEN should accept him and smile like nothing happened when he gets back to you. [Not ALL men and Not ALL women, but, narrowing down to this category of people who believe so]
You’re taught not to stay in a sexually abusive relationship. You’re taught not to be with the man who physically abuses you. But, were you taught not be in an emotionally-abusive relationship? I was not. In fact, I didn’t even know that I am being emotionally abused. I picked a few to talk about this — Men are like wine they get better with age, happens! in every relationship, ‘he is like that only,’ said his sister and close friends. When Leela talks-out-loud that VC is not treating her right, that she feels like he crumples her – I wondered, and felt that Leela was at least matured enough to understand that. I wasn’t.
He’d stab me with words and stop me from bleeding, he’d use the ‘most-abusive-word’ that I’ve not spelled in my life but hug me in a minute when I cry. He broke me into pieces and healed me with a single touch.
‘I would love you more than you love me, and I would love you even if you don’t love me’ — This is one dialogue that’s been rephrased and used by umpteen in the world. I’ve heard that too.
We’ve had a few beautiful moments – he fulfilled 3 dreams of mine. But, I ‘PAID’ a lot for it. My dignity, self-respect, my career, my friends..
Remove all the ‘guys’ from your friend-list, he said. ‘Let me deactivate my account,’ I offered. ‘No, my relatives would know that you did so because of me. So, remove all the ‘guys’. – VC shouting at her to remove the cap, scolding her again and again for the silliest reason. Reminded him. Reminded how fucked up my 2012 was. Reminded those days that I held a knife to kill myself.
‘Naan en un kita thirumba thirumba varen’ – (Why am I even coming back to you?) – If a woman can answer this question – she’d be out of the relationship that she’s not supposed to.
In love, it is always emotions over logic. There’s no answer for your ‘why’ – you are not even a victim but a volunteer. You end up picturing your life with him where the world is always decorated with a bunch of roses, you imagine that he fell down from the heaven, you push yourself to live the life with him no matter what. His entry changed your life irrevocably that you don’t even have the guts to go back. He would ensure that you’re always okay after every fight, even if you’re in pain. He wins, every single time.
There’s no ‘break-up’ concept according to the ‘old-school’ me. Our parents, relatives, and friends knew about the relationship so the ‘break-up’ even if I wanted to, was not easy. I had to be responsible, I had to understand him, I thought ‘more-complicated’ is ‘more-healthy’ and I was not sure if he was ‘possessive’ or just another ‘psycho’. When my mother asked why was I crying over the phone, I yelled at her not to over-hear what she’s not supposed to. When my sister confessed that she didn’t like him, I said that I do. When my dad asked if things are fine, I lied that it is the BEST.
I was a ZERO when I walked out of his life. His last few words were ‘You changed me. Now I am the person whom you wanted to live life with. You taught me to be ‘human’ and now, you’re leaving me,’ if I had falled for those words, I wouldn’t be what I am today.
If only #KaatruVeliyidai and #Iraivi had released in 2012 – I would have saved a considerable part of my life.
But you know what? All of us are either Leela or VC – only the proportion varies.
P.S – My experiences are from the stone-age when Tinder and TrulyMadly didn’t exist and my thought-process back then was completely different. My mind was tuned to believe mills and boons, and a few dumb movies that I saw.
Why are you here? Did the title remind you of that ONE person, and did your brain switch-on his/her image that you’re struggling hard to forget? And, are you contorting your face in a grimace of pain – Well, join the club!
Why it hurts, though? Because Life has no ‘shift + delete’ option. You cannot command or program your mind to NOT to think what you DON’T want to think.
Most of the time you end up thinking ‘WHY’ I made that mistake, why didn’t I know this before, and most importantly, you ask ‘WHY’ me. I’d like to answer – take it if it convinces you. Because that’s how life will sift you from your husk, grinds you white and wakes you up from your ‘scarlet cheeks’ dreams.
We think ‘narrow’ that’s how we are programmed to think – have you ever seen a movie or read a book with wild twists that leaves you thinking ‘why didn’t I see that coming?’ Yes, we are all informed and preached to think white-hands come clean.
You’re hurt and in pain NOT because of your choice or because of the said person but because you were tender. You are wounded by what you THOUGHT and MISUNDERSTOOD as love. It’s not a mistake to be ignorant.
Yes, what’s life without these experiences, though? Those winged-heart days, drenched in ecstasy, bloodied in memories and secrets. When you subscribed wholeheartedly and wanted to stay asleep in the love-mist.
Then comes a day when you get to see the said person’s worth butt-naked, and it leaves you heavy upon your hearts. Time took its time to destroy the sand-constructed home-sweet-home that you built in your mind. You fell apart, scattered into fragments, strained and stained, and curled like the edges of burnt paper.
Life is but a bell-curve that takes its own time to reveal things. From your eyes that were glistening with lust when with the special someone to the same eyes turning red with hatred. Talk about transformation! Freaks us out, right?
But, hey! Why judge yourself with the mistakes and failures? How about something awesome like resurrecting from your ruins? Let me tell you a secret – there’s nothing called ‘love’ it is just ‘getting used to a person’ because we humans are a creature of habits. I firmly believe that nothing goes waste in the cosmos. Every little thing has its purpose, so was your bad experience and the person. U-turns and wrong paths are not a waste of time, and you will never be gone so far from a return. Don’t let the haze envelope your life altogether. Life is big, and it waits for you to make bigger and better mistakes, to learn and move forward, why stay stuck with one? Don’t even call the person as ‘regret’ for they’re not worth it. Keep that pain at an arm’s distance but not the ‘lesson’ that it left you with. Don’t imagine and cloud your mind with ‘all men/women are the same’ and don’t shut yourself entirely from ‘love’ – if all are supposed to be the same, we’d all look alike, don’t you think this universe has its reasons to have blessed us each with different looks, attributes, and capabilities.
Don’t cling and crib about it again and again, for it would lead you into the abyss.